EDNOS
(Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

I have so much to say
But no voice to be heard
So all of my thoughts
Lie just under the surface
Bubbling and stewing
Just waiting for the opportunity
When I find myself
And I can finally scream out loud

Technically, I cannot be categorized as someone with true bulimia so my disorder falls into the EDNOS limbo. As stated in my earlier blog, I was in denial over having an eating disorder mostly because I do not gorge myself on snack foods or sweets. I do not sneak or hide food to pig out on later. I actually eat normal foods. However, I eat higher quantities than needed. If I were to not purge and continue to eat the way I do, I probably would have gained more weight. I guess you could call that a "binge." There have been times I have purposefully eaten more than was comfortable because I knew I could throw it up later.

Purging disorder
Not yet a formal diagnosis, but seems to be separate from bulimia nervosa. At present, falls into the category of "Eating disorder not otherwise specified: EDNOS."
The person purges (vomits, abuses laxatives, diuretics, emetics, etc.) but does not binge eat.
Person maintains normal or near normal weight.
Researchers suspect that purging disorder may be more common than anorexia nervosa and bulimia combined.

I know I should go see at doctor. I have now asked my therapist for the names of recommended doctors that won't look at you like a freak when you talk about having an eating disorder. That's all I need right now is to feel more ill at ease with myself than I already do. I am starting to feel some physical effects. My acid reflux is out of control. I have had to stop eating on several occasions because of the pain.

Additionally, maybe a more formal diagnosis would help the people I have reached out to (i.e. family) to take me more seriously. My husband wants to flat out ignore everything. My mom keeps trying to relate the problem to just depression. I got the whole "this is how I dealt with depression" and "you just have to push through it. The grass isn't greener on the other side" speech. No Mom. Not the same thing at all. The way I cope isn't simply feeling sad. I THROW UP! I've thrown up 5 times in one day before. I've done this for going on 6 years! I purposefully eat foods that feel good to throw up. That is not normal. A happy pill and a few therapy sessions are not going to make it go away. I know people mean well, but sometimes their responses are just wrong! How bad does it have to get before people pay attention???