Forgiving yourself is life's greatest challenge.

Location: Daytona Beach, Florida, United States

Adopted, only child...need I say more? That has a whole set of sterotypes right there!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Thought of the Day

Remember that the tone of your voice carries as much information as the words you speak.
- Life's Little Instruction Calendar

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A New Focus

I was reading over my old blogs and something occurred to me. I have spent a lot of time and energy talking about what is wrong in my life. Sure, I feel somewhat justified in my negativity because I’ve had a lot to feel bad about. The past two years have been all about dealing with low self-esteem and shame and then where all of that came from.

But seriously, this blog is just depressing and whiny. Therefore I am instituting some balance…some positive balance. I have so many things in life to be thankful for right now and I am going to start paying more attention and energy towards those aspects of my life. Not that I won't ever post a frustration blog...but there does need to be a balance.

I am thankful today for:
1) That I am healthy
2) Supportive friends and family
3) I have taken steps to regain my life and identity
4) I’m learning how to set positive boundaries between me and those around me
5) I have not forced myself to throw up in 5 months

So much to be thankful for and a bright future to look forward to.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Divorce, Selfishness and Boundaries

In the advent of my divorce, therapy for my eating disorder and broken relationship, and having to listen to lots of various people’s ‘wisdom’ on the issues in my life, I have done a lot of introspection, reading and figuring out who I am and what exactly I believe.

The only conclusions I have come to are the following: 1) NO ONE knows what goes behind other people’s homes behind closed doors. 2) Both the liberal and conservative governments want to impose laws oversimplifying complicated situations for their own agendas. 3) Forcing any sort of law accountability is going to push people back into doing things more sneaky and eventually more harmful…you know the way it was in the early to mid 1900’s where women just put up with philandering husbands or alcoholic, verbally abusive husbands, etc… or men “putting up” with domineering wives who cared little about them as husbands, let their appearances go, lost interest in sex, etc… Both spouses would eventually get their kicks elsewhere whether it was another woman, jobs, children, clubs, etc…

This isn’t about more government control or law-makers making it more “difficult” to get divorced or forcing people to go back to “proving” various reasons for dissolving a marriage. It is about changing hearts and personal accountability…not more laws from agenda pushing officials who hypocritically are screwing both males and females behind their spouse’s and children’s backs as well as God-only-knows what else.

I read an article about the damage of divorce on children. How more and more couples are choosing to “stay together” for the sake of the children instead of divorcing. Personally, I think this is a load of crap. While divorce is painful, it is the attitude of the parents whether they divorce or not that makes a difference in the child(ren). In some cases, the couple divorcing is the best thing that can possibly happen even in cases where there is no abuse of any kind. Children that grow up in a household where the parents simply exist together for their sake have no better attitude towards marriage than those whose parents divorce. At least if one spouse remarries and has a healthy marriage, the child(ren) will get to see a better example.

I grew up in the age of parents simply staying together. Fortunately for me, my parents have been married 40 years very happily. I saw the best example of a loving, Christian marriage I think a person can witness and live. That didn’t save me from my own divorce though. Several of my friends, however, grew up in marital homes where their parents simply existed together. There was obviously no romance, no connection and a father who traveled quite frequently. That was “normal” to them. Most of them were smart enough to know that marriage could be more, but most will probably carry that complacent attitude to their own marriages.

Is it so wrong to want something more? Is it wrong to recognize that someone else, and perhaps it is your spouse, is simply a fundamentally unhealthy person for you to be around? That they are and probably will always be someone that brings out the absolute worst in your personality and inner psyche? Is it wrong to choose that there is someone else out there who can better be an actual partner for me and who brings out the best in me and me in them? Someone I don’t resent? Someone that I want to grow old with and have children with?

I know marriage is work, but marriage should not be a daily, sometimes hourly struggle to survive as a person. My ex is not a bad person. In many ways, he is a wonderful person with a lot to offer. I hope he finds someone wonderful that will love him for every bit of the person he is and finds a lot of happiness. We have a very long and convoluted history together that took an irreparable emotional toll that I could not recover from if I stayed with him. Had I stayed, it would have taken quite literally, years and years to even feel comfortable and “safe” emotionally with him. That would have put me in my 30’s. I would never have wanted to bring a child into the relationship as it was for a long time probably putting my child bearing into my mid-30’s. Then I would have spent half of my adult life just trying to recover from a relationship that probably wasn’t going to work anyway.

We get exactly one shot at this life. One. Only one. (Sorry, I don’t believe in past lives or reincarnation.) Even with my “Christian” beliefs, you can not convince me that God wants any of his children to be fundamentally unhappy and unable to be the person that they were created to be. Mistakes in relationships happen…especially when you are 21 years old and have been eating disordered for 2 years at that point. I had modified myself to be what everyone else wanted me to be or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I wasn’t myself anymore. I did not heed the red flags that were right in front of me because I didn’t know their long-term impact.

I have had to deal with lots of family members asking me, “So there is no hope? Seeing another counselor won’t help? Maybe you should just give it some more time. But you two seemed so happy.” Or my personal favorites, “With God, you two can save this marriage.” And “You just have to make the decision that divorce is not an option and push through this time.”

Then I have my ex in the other ear writing me about how much he doesn’t want this and he can’t believe I just gave up. And where is my commitment and belief in marriage? Or he never thought he would marry someone that would just walk away when things got a little tough.

Seriously, it is so convenient for people that hurt other people to say that. How about over a year ago when I asked for help with my ED and I asked for marital counseling and he wanted to pretend like nothing was the matter? He told me point blank he just wanted to let me pretend and smile because he couldn’t bear the fact I was unhappy. Instead of researching how deadly bulimia is and how on the brink of irreversible health damage I was at, he chose to ignore. Reject. Be convenient for him. And now I’m the one with no commitment.

How much time is enough? One year? Two years? Five years? After we’ve bought a house and had a child? After I collapse from continuing my eating disorder? After I suffer another mental breakdown? After I’m on more medications?

I’m reading a new book called “Better Boundaries.” For too long have I let too many other people’s opinions rule and run my life. I give more credence to other people’s thoughts and emotions than I do my own. I let other people’s emotional states turn my too empathetic heart. I need to learn better ways of protecting myself as I reclaim my life and do things the way that I know is best and healthiest for me. I need to learn caring ways of shutting people’s well intentioned comments down.

Sorry…lots of rambling. I’m just tried of reading over-generalized articles from “experts” about things which they themselves have probably no personal experience.

Friday, August 24, 2007


To start this post, first of all an AMEN! that John Couey just received the death penalty for the abduction, rape and burying alive murder of 3rd grader Jessica Lunsford. I won't even go into the injustice of that despicable monster eating up tax payers money while he waits for probably over a decade to be peacefully euthanized after what he did to that child. I just can't. The real injustice though is that it continues to take outrageous cases like this to change laws and get people and, more importantly, law makers to pay attention. Severe sexual predators with 30 year histories of violence and degradation, such as John Couey, should not be allowed out in normal society under ANY circumstances. It doesn't bring Jessica back, but it hopefully sends a message.

Next topic...Lindsey Lohan. I am OUTRAGED that after 7 misdemeanor accounts, drug use and blowing 2 times the legal limit, she received one-day in jail. ONE FREAKING DAY! As one post put it, normal people look at a cop cross-eyed while getting a traffic ticket would probably receive harsher treatment. What is it going to take? Lindsey actually killing someone before law enforcement start actually enforcing that she abide by rules and laws like the rest of us?! I am so sick and TIRED of celebrities continuing to be above the law. Seriously, what will it take? Why do people always have to die before others pay attention?

Michael Vick - Again, whoopdeedo that he pled guilty to dogfighting. The guy is violent and has obvious issues. I hope no matter what, they go after him as evidence allows. But they won't. He pled to dogfighting to get a lower sentence and start his good-service PR campaign. Ugh!

Britney Spears - I am sick to death of hearing about her too. She's a wreck and the fact that she is still in charge of taking care of her children is frightening. It is a sad, sad, sad state of affairs when "K-Fed" looks like the better option. Will someone please help her? I'm especially sad over her because she's about my age and in a sense, I grew up with her in the news. I nannied and babysat for girls that idolized her. Very sad. She just makes me sad.

Ok. I'm done. I hate reading the news. It just makes me mad...and depressed. So much violence. So many awful people continuing to get away with horrible things. Ugh.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Too Much To Write

Do you ever have those moments in life where there are so many things going on, stuff you're dealing with good and bad, and so many thoughts swirling in your head that you have absolutely no idea where to start, much less write? I'm having such a time. I look back on the past year and a half and I'm just floored by all that has happened. It kind of makes my head spin. Yeah, I'm not even going to go into everything. I can't right now. I'm at work.

In lieu of writing anything interesting, I'm going to post some of my favorite Life's Little Instructions for your enjoyment.

- When faced with a complex problem, think simple.
- Don't waste time trying to be happy. Happiness most often comes
unplanned and unexpectedly--like a shooting star on a slient night.
- If what you're about to say won't benefit the person hearing it or improve the situation, don't say it.
- Remember that demonstrating class and showing style has little to do with money.
- Remember that you also gleam when you cause another's star to shine.
- Think of tomorrow as an irretrievable gift of 24 hours with no mistakes in it.
- Resign from the impossible job of trying to keep everyone happy.
- Never make an important decision until you have control of your emotions.
- Remember, your attitude is 90% of what people will remember about you.
- Take good care of your body; you can never trade it in for a newer model.
- A messy desk has this advantage: it offers unexpected discoveries every day.
- In the end you will be judged not by what you believed, planned, or dreamed--but by what you did.

And lastly (and the one I feel is most important to remember):
- Remember these four things about anyone you meet:
1. They're afraid of something.
2. They love something.
3. They've lost something.
4. They're dreaming of something.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I have never been one to have much patience. In fact, throughout my entire life, that is usually the one repetitive complaint. Everyone from teachers (Kate is so smart and friendly, but so impatient) to friends (If you would just learn to wait…) to colleagues (Take your time. It will happen.) have all had something to say about my lack of it. In fact, I would say it is probably my worst fault.

I’m not an entirely impatient person. There are special populations and situations I think I have more patience than the average person. It really boils down to expectations. I expect waiters and waitresses to do the job they are paid to do and provide timely and decent service. I expect people to know how to generally do their job. I expect people to be on time. I expect that people communicate to some effectiveness. When people are slacking on something I am expecting them to do, I get impatient. I also hate waiting. Nothing is worse to me than standing in a long line. If someone is being nit-picky, like arguing over a sale that amounts to 10 cents in the grocery store, I have been known to offer the person the 10 cents to just let it go so the rest of us in line can get on with life. And so on. My mom recently told me I had embarrassed her in front of friends because I acted visibly impatient and mad that our waitress was taking 5x longer to perform tasks and get us things we needed (like drink, food and check) than the average experience. I wasn’t even nasty to the waitress. I simply kept asking for the things we were supposed to get…ok, and I will concede I was slightly snippy. But I was NOT making a scene.

I am also someone that learns by doing. Reading directions and following them to the last letter is never something I have done well. I rarely ever read through directions before diving into a project. While my creativity in exploring the problem might shine, it has happened on more than one occasion that I spent all of that time doing it completely wrong.

Where I do have patience is when I am not expecting something out of the person or situation. I am very patient with the elderly (except in traffic when they shouldn’t be on the road anyway and are going 20 mph UNDER the speed limit). I will wait for them, walk with them and listen to the same stories over and over again because it brings a smile to their face. I have a heart for children and all of their messiness, as well as their meanderings. And lastly, I love volunteering with special needs populations. My energy often gives them a much needed boost and understanding in life that most people do not stop to give. In return, I have been awarded some of the most special experiences.

I am also the rare calm person in emergencies. It is almost like all of my impatience does a 180 to give a peace of mind to function carefully and thoughtfully, but efficiently. I have taken care of more than my fair share of accident situations with complete strangers I just happened upon…well, perhaps I was there for a reason?

I think about that when someone starts in on me about my typical lack of patience. While I certainly try to work on my patience levels in day-to-day situations, especially when they are completely out of my control, I also have to remember that it takes everyone to make the world work. If everyone had patience with everything and waited calmly for life to come to them, what would get done? However, if everyone ran after life without pausing for a breath, we’d all keel over with heart attacks by 35.

In keeping with the theme and to give me words of wisdom on the subject of patience, I found several quotes that I liked:

Patience is the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties. ~Unknown

Patience will achieve more than force. ~Edmund Burke

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Let nothing disturb thee;Let nothing dismay thee; All things pass; God never changes. Patience attains all that it strives for. ~St. Teresa de Cepeda

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. ~Dutch Proverb

It is very strange that the years teach us patience - that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting. ~Elizabeth Taylor, "A Wreath of Roses"

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. ~Helen Keller

There will be a time when loud-mouthed, incompetent people seem to be getting the best of you. When that happens, you only have to be patient and wait for them to self destruct. It never fails. ~Richard Rybolt

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew. ~Saint Francis de Sales

Life is all about timing…the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable becomes available, the unattainable…attainable. Have the patience; Wait it out. It’s all about timing. ~Stacey Charter

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. ~Mac McCleary

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~Chinese Proverb

Monday, June 18, 2007

Perfectionism Take 2

I often thought that I was a high achiever. Someone who’s self-high expectations were something that be admired and ultimately constructive towards reaching goals. The longer I go without throwing up and, in essence, punishing myself through self-injury, the more I realize that my problem is perfectionism.

As one description read, “High achievers are driven by a goal to achieve, whereas perfectionists are driven by a fear of failure.” Even admitting that could be true of myself is difficult because that would mean I have less than perfect thinkingJ

I recently asked someone to tell me what kind of person they saw me as. I think my ED has royally skewed not only my self-perception but also what I think other people see in me. The answer I got was somewhat surprising. In fact, I found it to be more negative than I thought it would be, but that in and of itself is another sign of my perfectionism because I can only focus on the negatives.

They said, and I’m summing it up here, that I was “impatient, aggressive (forward), easy to get irritated, high expectations of self and others, diplomatic and well-spoken, funny, nice and a good listener.” (Notice I listed the negatives first and the positives last.) It was also noted that I could possibly come across as arrogant to people around the workplace because of perceived age vs. knowledge and my confidence level.

Negative parts of my personality really bother me and probably a lot more than most other people’s own negative aspects of their personality bother them. Interesting enough, whereas I expect a lot out of myself personally, I have very low expectations of others. I let myself be surprised by those whose personality is inherently kind, courteous and helpful. I notice other people’s positive attributes far more easily than their negatives. (Unless their negative aspects far outweigh their positives…and there are those people.) It creates a very biased and unreasonable comparison between myself and other people. Moments of self-satisfaction and real, true self-esteem are few and far between.

It is interesting to note that I do not take criticism, whether constructive or otherwise, but I do not accept compliments very often either. Criticisms are devastating to me. It is the verbal acknowledgment of my mistakes and deficiencies. I have a very difficult time accepting that I make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. Usually I do one of two things, or some combination, when I get criticism. I will 1) Obsess about what I did wrong and how it happened and immediately develop some sort of system to never let it happen again or 2) I come to the conclusion that whoever is giving me the criticism has no right to give me their comments because they do the same thing along with the “What? Do they think they are perfect?” attitude. And then I discount whatever imperfection the person pointed out because I determine they are an idiot with no frame of reference to be saying anything. I suppose you could say I am an odd combination of arrogant and self-depreciating.

And on to taking compliments; I can’t. The only way I can kind of take a compliment is if it is not paired with a negative. If it is paired with a negative, I will only hear the negative. The compliment becomes completely lost. Just to use an example, the description my friend has both negatives and positives. (Again, note that I listed the negatives first both above and just now – that’s indicative.) It reads to me like “impatient, aggressive, high expectations, etc… and then blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I’m shocked the person even bothered to list any positives because apparently all they see are negatives. Again, the only way I hear any positives are if they are not grouped with negatives.

I wish I could tell my boss that the next time he does my performance review, he needs to schedule two separate sessions. One session to focus only on positives and achievements and a separate session to go over negatives and ways to improve. I always leave performance reviews in complete despair because no matter how much I achieved, there were so many things I did wrong and didn’t achieve. There are so many things I could have done better.

I have no idea how to change this. I’ve prepped myself before things like job performance evaluations to remember my accomplishments and that everyone makes mistakes and all criticisms are said to help me succeed. And no matter how much I prep and self-talk, I STILL walk out feeling like a complete failure and confused as to why I even still have a job.

I am surprised that anyone wants to be friends with me and more readily believe and am validated when others don’t like me. Take my in-laws for example: They didn’t like me nor did they ever accept me. Over time, I thought I was the person that needed to change and couldn’t accept the fact that some personalities just don’t work together. I thought that they had every right to feel the way they felt and treat me poorly.

Like I said, I have no idea how to change this. It is as daunting to me as the thought of rewiring a house. I don’t know how to rewire much less wire a house in the first place. I wonder if it is even something I can change. Is my thought process in my genetic code? Will I ever stress less? Have less anxiety? Believe that there are people out there that love me despite my imperfections? Stop thinking that all people see is the sum of my mistakes? I don’t know. I really don't know.

Where we are is so far from where we’ve been
The relentless nature of life and all it’s done
And the weather we have not withstood
And the wall that has been built between

Starting with my arms open wide
Innocent and unassuming despite the fear
Your story to that point would be the undoing
Before we even had a chance to begin

Haunted by too many words said and actions done
Cold beginning to the time I began to die
Slowly in front of your face
You did not see behind my eyes

The façade I built and you accepted
Too afraid to lose the dream
Never wanting to admit the faults and lies
And that all was not as it seemed

I am awake yet my eyes are closed
Tight for fear you will see me cry
Vulnerability I can’t bring myself to share
Too much time has passed us by

Memories float as I drift off to sleep
Promises made inside my head
Dreams of all we could have been
Are now done and I’ve put to bed

If I Were...

If I were a color, I’d be…red
If I were an animal, I’d be…the fancy feast cat (long story)
If I were a landscape, I’d be…a seascape
If I were a plant, I’d be…magnolia
If I were a vehicle, I’d be…a cherry red Corvette
If I were a type of music, I’d be…smooth jazz
If I were a food item, I’d be…chocolate
If I were an article of clothing, I’d be…dress
If I were a household appliance, I’d be…a food processor
If I were a celestial object, I’d be…the sun
If I were a god or goddess, I’d be…Athena
If I were a time of day, I’d be…3:30
If I were a spice or herb, I’d be…rosemary
If I were a piece of jewelry, I’d be…an heirloom
If I were a toy, I’d be…a doll
If I were a shape, I’d be…an oval