Perfectionism Take 2

I often thought that I was a high achiever. Someone who’s self-high expectations were something that be admired and ultimately constructive towards reaching goals. The longer I go without throwing up and, in essence, punishing myself through self-injury, the more I realize that my problem is perfectionism.

As one description read, “High achievers are driven by a goal to achieve, whereas perfectionists are driven by a fear of failure.” Even admitting that could be true of myself is difficult because that would mean I have less than perfect thinkingJ

I recently asked someone to tell me what kind of person they saw me as. I think my ED has royally skewed not only my self-perception but also what I think other people see in me. The answer I got was somewhat surprising. In fact, I found it to be more negative than I thought it would be, but that in and of itself is another sign of my perfectionism because I can only focus on the negatives.

They said, and I’m summing it up here, that I was “impatient, aggressive (forward), easy to get irritated, high expectations of self and others, diplomatic and well-spoken, funny, nice and a good listener.” (Notice I listed the negatives first and the positives last.) It was also noted that I could possibly come across as arrogant to people around the workplace because of perceived age vs. knowledge and my confidence level.

Negative parts of my personality really bother me and probably a lot more than most other people’s own negative aspects of their personality bother them. Interesting enough, whereas I expect a lot out of myself personally, I have very low expectations of others. I let myself be surprised by those whose personality is inherently kind, courteous and helpful. I notice other people’s positive attributes far more easily than their negatives. (Unless their negative aspects far outweigh their positives…and there are those people.) It creates a very biased and unreasonable comparison between myself and other people. Moments of self-satisfaction and real, true self-esteem are few and far between.

It is interesting to note that I do not take criticism, whether constructive or otherwise, but I do not accept compliments very often either. Criticisms are devastating to me. It is the verbal acknowledgment of my mistakes and deficiencies. I have a very difficult time accepting that I make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. Usually I do one of two things, or some combination, when I get criticism. I will 1) Obsess about what I did wrong and how it happened and immediately develop some sort of system to never let it happen again or 2) I come to the conclusion that whoever is giving me the criticism has no right to give me their comments because they do the same thing along with the “What? Do they think they are perfect?” attitude. And then I discount whatever imperfection the person pointed out because I determine they are an idiot with no frame of reference to be saying anything. I suppose you could say I am an odd combination of arrogant and self-depreciating.

And on to taking compliments; I can’t. The only way I can kind of take a compliment is if it is not paired with a negative. If it is paired with a negative, I will only hear the negative. The compliment becomes completely lost. Just to use an example, the description my friend has both negatives and positives. (Again, note that I listed the negatives first both above and just now – that’s indicative.) It reads to me like “impatient, aggressive, high expectations, etc… and then blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I’m shocked the person even bothered to list any positives because apparently all they see are negatives. Again, the only way I hear any positives are if they are not grouped with negatives.

I wish I could tell my boss that the next time he does my performance review, he needs to schedule two separate sessions. One session to focus only on positives and achievements and a separate session to go over negatives and ways to improve. I always leave performance reviews in complete despair because no matter how much I achieved, there were so many things I did wrong and didn’t achieve. There are so many things I could have done better.

I have no idea how to change this. I’ve prepped myself before things like job performance evaluations to remember my accomplishments and that everyone makes mistakes and all criticisms are said to help me succeed. And no matter how much I prep and self-talk, I STILL walk out feeling like a complete failure and confused as to why I even still have a job.

I am surprised that anyone wants to be friends with me and more readily believe and am validated when others don’t like me. Take my in-laws for example: They didn’t like me nor did they ever accept me. Over time, I thought I was the person that needed to change and couldn’t accept the fact that some personalities just don’t work together. I thought that they had every right to feel the way they felt and treat me poorly.

Like I said, I have no idea how to change this. It is as daunting to me as the thought of rewiring a house. I don’t know how to rewire much less wire a house in the first place. I wonder if it is even something I can change. Is my thought process in my genetic code? Will I ever stress less? Have less anxiety? Believe that there are people out there that love me despite my imperfections? Stop thinking that all people see is the sum of my mistakes? I don’t know. I really don't know.