On Judging Others...

I am going to write about a topic that I usually avoid. I avoid this particular topic because it is a very deeply personal issue and one that brings up strong feelings in other individuals as well as within myself.

I am speaking about Christianity, judgment and forgiveness. Let me start out by saying that I am a Christian. I believe in God, Jesus as his son and that he died so that other’s might live and be saved through God’s grace. (Please note I said we are saved by GOD’s grace…not because we did anything to deserve it, because we asked for it, or because we worked for it.) My faith journey has been one of peaks and valleys and much monotony in-between. As I child, I understood faith as a child, simply allowing God to be a part of my life, going to church and marveling at Biblical stories. As a young teen, I was active in church, church choirs, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Bible Study groups, mission trips, etc… Even later on in my teen years, prior to college, I tried to keep my faith simple focusing on trying to make Christ-like decisions, treat other’s with dignity and respect and sharing my faith if felt called to do so.

My understanding of Christianity stemmed from a more reformed idea of what it means to be loved by God, saved by grace and living by example. I think most people prior to college would say several things about me. 1) I definitely was not perfect, but that I strived to make my faith a part of my life. 2) That I did not judge. I made mistakes; Friends made mistakes. But the most important part was that no matter what, God’s grace was always a safe haven to turn to in times of despair, hopelessness and sin. 3) I hung out with a variety of people no matter who you were, what you looked like and where you were at in your faith…even if you had any at all. I try to have a sincere appreciation for the human population as a whole and learned VERY early on that looks are very deceiving when it comes to being surprised by kindness and care.

My faith was greatly tested when I went off to college. I went to a very small, Lutheran college in NE Iowa. To say the least, I really did not want to go to this school and I knew this deep in my heart, but did because my boyfriend went there and I thought it would be good for us. Due to some low-self esteem and perfectionist tendencies, I started to rebel against myself and made a few mistakes very early on. I tried to turn to the people of the college and the faith community. I was rejected. My mistakes (or sins if you will) caused several people to say some very terrible things to me. My humanness was not acceptable despite having a very deep and long-standing faith in Christ. One person actually had the arrogance and audacity to tell me that I was going to hell. All of my notions about the people in God's church were challenged and I quit going. If people were going to run the church by their ideas of who was and was not acceptable to walk through those doors and into God's arms, I wanted no part of it. I began to think like those people that I had tried so desperately hard to show otherwise...that church was a place to feel bad about yourself. Church was for those that considered themselves above sin and that us sinners may as well go on sinning. There was no hope from Christians. Fortunately a wonderful husband and wife team challenged me to join their Bible Study and get back involved in the Bible. They showed me the next two years what real Grace and Love was all about. They talked less and demonstrated a lot.

Ok, so let’s back up a few minutes. Who were these people judging me and what specifically were they judging? Let’s start with possibility #1. I had sex with my long-term boyfriend before marriage…nope that couldn’t be it because they were friend’s of his and all of them had done the same thing. Possibility #2. I broke up with this boyfriend after having a mental breakdown and cutting myself. Ok, well…I don’t recall calling off a relationship a “sin” and my personal struggles with self-blame really weren’t anyone else’s struggle but my own…so that couldn’t be it. Possibility #3. I began dating another very nice gentleman and therefore hurt the ex-boyfriend. That one is a stretch because I wasn’t acting out with the new boyfriend, no was I sleeping around, nor was I getting drunk. I was leveling out in normalcy. Possibility #4. The people that said these things to me had an ulterior motive. Ding, ding, ding…we have a winner!

I have a theory you see, that people that make an issue of judging others when they have NO RIGHT whatsoever to do so, are actually doing one of several things:

1) They are fundamentally uncomfortable with themselves and some of their own struggles and therefore displace their own insecurities on pointing out other’s shortcomings.
2) They are currently committing a sin that they wish to be kept secret and distract other’s by pointing fingers at other people.
3) They are arrogant in their own faith and build themselves up morally by pointing out how righteous they are and how other’s fall short or
4) They deep down feel they are doing right and carrying out God’s judgment on sins by “caring” enough about you to tell you that they don’t “agree” or “condone” your actions, but God has given them enough love so that they can love you in spite of your sinful nature.

There are very few people in my life that have earned the earthly right by loving me unconditionally over a very, very long period of time, who I know have absolutely no ulterior motive for working through my mistakes with me and lovingly point out that I am hurting others and myself with a decision. Those people are my parents, my godmother and our long-time Pastor friend and his wife. I am loved by those people no matter what. If they ever say anything to me about my life or disagreeing with a particular decision, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they simply care. All of these people have shown by example that they do not think they are perfect and would expect the same sort of feedback about their own actions from me or their own accountability partners.

But let’s go back to the 4 possibilities of why some people feel it is their right and perhaps “God-given” duty to reign judgment or take every opportunity possible to let you know how much they disagree and are disappointed with your choices, but “they love you anyway.” THAT people, right there, is what has the possibility of turning otherwise faith striving people into angry, bitter people who want to run away screaming from the Church and from so called Christian people.

I am reading a book right now by Christian theologian Philip Yancey called, “What’s So Amazing About Grace?” It is a follow-up to his book, “The Jesus I Never Knew” which goes back to what the Gospels really have to say about Jesus and His ministry. My mom and I are actually starting a book/Bible study on the Grace book. The very first chapter, the very first opening story tells of a woman with a young daughter… I want to say the daughter is 3 or 4 years old. The woman herself sells her own body for money, but she is also selling her daughter to people for several times more per hour than she can make herself in a day. Deep down, she knew this was wrong but saw no other choice to keep both her and her daughter fed. At a shelter she ended up at, a well-intentioned person suggested she get help from a church. The woman nearly spat as she said, “Why would I go to church? They would just make me feel worse!”

The author then asks, “What has happened to the modern day church?” Why are those that need to be in church the most and hear the message of God’s grace and salvation running the opposite direction screaming? Why have I even stopped going to church in times when I have needed the grace and understanding of God and the people who claim to be his followers? The answer is very simple. Church has become a place where many people feel they can only go when they have their life straightened out. Everyday sinners, such as myself, only feel comfortable going when there is no possibility of fellow church-goers to look at others and make a judgment. “Oooh, did you hear that Harry gambled away $10,000? No wonder he won’t show his face in church.” Or “Did you hear that Jane had an affair?” Or, “I hear that Tom and Sarah’s Billy got picked up for a DUI. How embarrassing. Well, they should have had more control.” And all the while, these people that have made some visible mistakes feel that they can’t go back to church for fear of ridicule, judgment, nosiness, inappropriate comments, and those that seek to rub it in.

That should NOT be the message we are sending to God’s children. People that have made mistakes should feel like church is the place they should go to get a hug despite themselves. People should feel free in the understanding that God forgives whether we acknowledge it or not. And who are these people that think they are so almighty that they get to reign out judgment?

The Bible said that no sin is lesser than another. All sins are equal in God’s eyes. All sins cause us to fall short of the glory of God. Lazy people might as well steal. Angry people may as well commit murder. Those glancing lustfully at someone else for 2 seconds may as well have an affair. Gluttonous people might as well be alcoholics. Gossips should just go ahead and slandarize God and take his name in vein.

You might be reading these and saying some have more consequences to others. Yes, that is true. On this earth, certain decisions affect those around you more than others. There are earthly consequences to murder and thievery. You have the likelihood of jail time or in the case of murder, the death penalty. An affair can rip apart a family. Alcoholics can go into a rage and beat or emotionally abuse the people in their lives that they supposedly love the most.

But what about the “lesser” sins that are not as obvious to others. Laziness that causes someone to not want to work and therefore put a family in financial jeopardy. Anger that unintentionally splinters and abuses a loved one’s heart. Neglectful behavior that causes a spouse to feel unloved and worthless. Arrogance that causes another to feel diminished. Continued unhealthy lifestyles where overweight people have health problems that could cause them to die or not be able to help those that they love. Gossiping that is unwarranted, untrue or really no one else’s business that ruins someone’s reputation. ALL of these and so many more cause equal amounts of destruction. The problem is, like emotional scars, they are not as visible to those around or those on the outside.

I have encountered more than my fair share of judgment from other’s who never took the time to understand a situation or dig into the “real” story. People see my marriage falling apart. I’m sure some blame me. After all, I’ve made some big mistakes; I have allowed an eating disorder to rule my life for 7 years and I have been neglectful of myself and those around me because I’ve been so buried in my own head. I left my husband, and that alone is enough to make people think that I am an awful sinner. After all, I promised to love, honor and cherish until death do us part.

Yes, that all is true. I have committed many sins and not upheld parts of my bargain. But as with everything in life, every relationship, every marriage, it is a two-way street. Both parties have decisions. While some poor choices are visible, no one but the two people in the relationship know all of the things not so visible. What others don’t see or don’t hear about might be years of emotional neglect. What other’s don’t see is that the other has been cheating and hiding for a decade an addiction to pornography that has chipped away at the other’s self-esteem and been part of the fuel for an eating disorder, other self-injurious behavior and cheapening the act of sex. What other’s might not see is a person in such despair who has asked for help and been rejected. What other’s might not see is a refusal by one to place their marriage and sanctity of that relationship above all else. To treat others better than the spouse. To use children as an excuse to not have to be a husband/wife. All they see are the other person’s desperation in finding anything to save them, to keep them alive. And those decisions are probably at that point going to be a poor choice(s).

Is it really helpful at any point to condemn? Is it really going to draw people to God’s grace to re-iterate their wrongs and how much you disagree with certain choices? Is it really at all necessary to have any comment whatsoever on a situation that you really do not understand because it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS to know all of the depths of issues and problems between other people? Are you really acting with Christ-like behavior?

I would instead challenge those with too many opinions to first examine themselves and ask their real motivation for pointing out other’s mistakes and re-iterating over and over how much you “disagree” and are “disappointed” with another’s behavior? Is it truly an act of love or is it deflection or arrogance? Or both?

God’s kingdom is wonderfully made up of all types. We all have our mistakes. We all have our pasts. And to be honest, until the day we die, we are all going to continue to make mistakes, continue to hurt others, and continue to hurt ourselves. None of us are even remotely close to perfection. Our decisions will have consequences and some of them might be fierce. But I am very content in the knowledge that I am God’s child. He loves me and will welcome me with open arms no matter the state I am in. The only thing I can do to bring a little heaven on earth is by sharing that same attitude with others. Love, grace and an open heart of forgiveness is what changes lives. Reflecting the love that Christ showed to all types of people including prostitutes, tax collectors, the poor, the weak, the disgraced, the helpless, and so many other sinners and those society deemed as a waste of time is what I believe is our highest calling. Above all else love, love deeply and without selfishness. And for heaven's sake, quit talking so much! A more impactful statement is made by simply living and leading through example.

Someone said it best with, "God gave us TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason."

God Bless.