Conversations with Mother
My mom wrote me an email the other day asking if I would want to do a book study with her. I have been rather angry at my mom for several weeks now. She rarely says anything about my eating disorder, but instead seems to focus on trying to revive my failed marriage. A marriage, that by all measure, has been a major contributor to my eating disorder and the myriad of issues behind it.
I knew by the tone, that my mom was seeking connection. I love my mom, even when I don’t understand her, and above all have been rather hurt by her actions as of late. I thought this might be a good opportunity for us to do some much needed bonding. (At times, I fight admitting that I need her even as an adult…lots!) She also went on to ask if I wanted to get together with her and go to an art show in town. So I agreed…
Our time together started ok, then got awkward as she tried to ask me indirect questions about how I was doing. I figured I should just talk. Continuing to hold back from people, especially the ones that are supposed to love and care about you more than anything, is never going to get me anywhere. So I talked and vented and explained.
We were interrupted by an unexpected call from a cousin who was in town for the day with her boyfriend. Since neither my mom nor I had seen her in 4 years, we cut our time short to go meet her. After a rather lengthy conversation, my mom finally took me back to my car in a Target parking lot. Before I could leave she asked me a question. A question that she’s been wanting to ask, but perhaps fearful to do so because of the response she might get.
She looked at me and asked, “Have I or have both Dad and I contributed in any way to what you are struggling with? Are there things we have said or done, or not done that aided in your eating disorder? I do not want you to hold back for the sake of my feelings like I know you do so often. I am your parent. I can handle it. Whatever it is, whatever you need, anything…we want to do whatever it takes to get you better. If that means going to group therapy, then we go to group therapy.”
I thought about it for a minute and answered honestly, “I don’t know.” I have been so focused on current reasons, that I have not gone back to even before my husband and I started dating to really explore other things that are there. Perhaps adoption. Perhaps a sense of not physically fitting into the family. Genetics??? I don’t know. I voiced some of this, but said that I remain convinced that despite a predetermined disposition, there were certain triggers that unleashed the “bad” parts of my personality and those triggers had nothing to do with neither her nor my dad. Then I launched into a tirade of what I believe happened to me.
After I was done, she looked sad but asked that I not pull away. That above all else, she and my dad were there to support me. She also invited that if she said anything that was hurtful or inappropriate, that I should say something right then and there. To her point, no one can ever change if the offended party does not let them know in what way they caused harm. Also back to the point of, I can’t expect other people to feel me the same way I feel them.
It was a good conversation. As I slowly peel back my prickly layers of distrust, suspicion and general self-protection, I am finding that I have many, many wonderful people in my life who want to help. I need to let them.
I knew by the tone, that my mom was seeking connection. I love my mom, even when I don’t understand her, and above all have been rather hurt by her actions as of late. I thought this might be a good opportunity for us to do some much needed bonding. (At times, I fight admitting that I need her even as an adult…lots!) She also went on to ask if I wanted to get together with her and go to an art show in town. So I agreed…
Our time together started ok, then got awkward as she tried to ask me indirect questions about how I was doing. I figured I should just talk. Continuing to hold back from people, especially the ones that are supposed to love and care about you more than anything, is never going to get me anywhere. So I talked and vented and explained.
We were interrupted by an unexpected call from a cousin who was in town for the day with her boyfriend. Since neither my mom nor I had seen her in 4 years, we cut our time short to go meet her. After a rather lengthy conversation, my mom finally took me back to my car in a Target parking lot. Before I could leave she asked me a question. A question that she’s been wanting to ask, but perhaps fearful to do so because of the response she might get.
She looked at me and asked, “Have I or have both Dad and I contributed in any way to what you are struggling with? Are there things we have said or done, or not done that aided in your eating disorder? I do not want you to hold back for the sake of my feelings like I know you do so often. I am your parent. I can handle it. Whatever it is, whatever you need, anything…we want to do whatever it takes to get you better. If that means going to group therapy, then we go to group therapy.”
I thought about it for a minute and answered honestly, “I don’t know.” I have been so focused on current reasons, that I have not gone back to even before my husband and I started dating to really explore other things that are there. Perhaps adoption. Perhaps a sense of not physically fitting into the family. Genetics??? I don’t know. I voiced some of this, but said that I remain convinced that despite a predetermined disposition, there were certain triggers that unleashed the “bad” parts of my personality and those triggers had nothing to do with neither her nor my dad. Then I launched into a tirade of what I believe happened to me.
After I was done, she looked sad but asked that I not pull away. That above all else, she and my dad were there to support me. She also invited that if she said anything that was hurtful or inappropriate, that I should say something right then and there. To her point, no one can ever change if the offended party does not let them know in what way they caused harm. Also back to the point of, I can’t expect other people to feel me the same way I feel them.
It was a good conversation. As I slowly peel back my prickly layers of distrust, suspicion and general self-protection, I am finding that I have many, many wonderful people in my life who want to help. I need to let them.
posted by Self Therapy | 9:08 AM
1 Comments:
Your mom is laying it out there and trying to be as straight forward as she can be. If life were always that way it would be so easy. I think you are right in peeling back the layers like peeling an onion. You keep your core well protected and allow few, if any in. Yet you might risk shedding a few layers now and again. It is a process and over time, as you trust, you allow layers to come off. Someday you will let people in and make warm, healthy connections. Intimacy for any long length of time is something you can't handle right now yet something you really want...at least that is the feeling I get from your writing. In other words, you really want to be understood and to understand yourself.
Your conversation with mom was a good one. Hope you have many more like it with her and others.
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