More Empathy Musings

I modified an email I just sent to the person that I am discussing in this blog:

I was doing searches on posts about highly sensitive or empathetic people and one link led me to a post a professor did about young women being fascinated with sociopaths/serial killers. I have been researching my ability to feel other people's emotions. Specifically I was interested in the following:

The young women who become intensely intrigued by them are often overwhelmed by chronic feelings of guilt and a painfully acute sensitivity to other's perceptions. They are often emotionally drained and exhausted, because within their families they've frequently been the ones to shoulder all of the responsibility and do all of the "feeling work" for everyone else.

I often think of emotional sensitivity as a spectrum from 0-10, similar to the volume controls for a radio. Most "normal" folks are tuned into the needs of others at about 4 or 5 on the spectrum. They are aware of the needs of those around them, but aren't overwhelmed by them. The Michelles of the world hear the world's emotional noise at an 8 or 9 on the spectrum. The needs and demands of others are so clear and loud that these young women often can't hear themselves think. They are actually incapacitated from the effort of absorbing so much emotion, and frequently they feel immensely guilty for not meeting the insatiable demands of those around them. Is it any wonder that they become fascinated with -- and even, in some sense, envious of -- sociopaths? What else is a sociopath than someone whose "volume control" for the needs of others has been set to mute? How many bright, talented, acutely sensitive young women have fantasized about having an internal "mute button" that could silence the judging, nagging, needy voices of all of those around them?

I grew up always being able to feel other people. While not necessarily fitting the HSP standard of being overly sensitive to all-stimuli, I am always acutely aware of everyone's feelings...especially if they are negative. It bombards me constantly at work, at home, out in social settings. At times, I can even pick up on thoughts although the person has to be dwelling intensely on the subject. People never have to tell me what they are feeling...I already know. I grew up not knowing other people couldn't do this. I was often called "very intuitive" and many people would say, "You're so insightful. How do you know all of that?" Often in arguments with people, I will hear, "You have to tell me what you are feeling. I’m not a mind-reader." That, up until very recently, would confuse me. Why do I need to tell people what I am feeling? Isn't it obvious? Apparently not. Most others, I hypothesize, do not feel other people like I do.
And yes, I feel very guilty. I was just having a discussion with a friend yesterday about the fact that I avoid difficult conversations or situations in which I can feel harm or hurt that I have caused to someone else. I make mistakes all of the time and yes I have hurt people. But I literally get to FEEL to a high degree what something I do does to someone else. Most people have the luxury that when they hurt someone else's feelings, they know it. There are visual clues, the relationship might be damaged...but I experience the entire ordeal as if I were the person. It is maddening. I obsess over trying to be perfect around people because I can't stand to deal with disappointing anyone.

Two examples: I was flying on a plane recently. As soon as I got to my seat, there was a woman sitting in the aisle seat of my row. As I was putting my bags in the overhead bin, I knew she wanted to talk to me and was hoping I would be someone that would engage her in conversation. Ok, now I have a choice. I can put on my headphones and try and drown out her neediness, or I can respond to it I chose to respond. As I already knew she would, she basically told me her entire life story. In the end I was glad I talked to her, but it is very difficult to drown out other's feelings.

My other example is hurting other people with the same abilities, or even variations of the abilities, as I have. That is a horrible and magnified experience. The person I happened to cross is less emotionally empathetic, but can telepathically send messages. I was sitting at work one day and I literally felt something punch my brain. She sent a very simple message, "F-You." I do not know if I can send anything back, but I sure got hers. That connected our minds in ways that I have not been able to sever since that. I pick up on her remotely sometimes. Its aggravating.

And as for sociopaths, I am fascinated with them for a simple reason. When I come into contact with one...and I'm not even talking about someone that would kill someone...but let's just say someone that has deficiencies in the emotional arena compared to a "normal person," I can feel that. There is "empty space." Most people transmit a lot of energy to me, positive and negative. Sociopaths transmit very little. Frankly, it freaks me out.

I ended the email with this person telling him a little bit more about me and if he ever wanted to hypothesize something and get some input, I would be happy to.

On a different note, my mom blew up at me over a freaking gecko that got into her house. She blamed it on me and flew off the handle because she has an extreme phobia towards reptiles of any sort. I was toast the rest of the day. Now that I’ve taken down many of my protective shields I had in place for years, I just can’t cope the way I used to when negativity came directly at me. I just can’t. I’ve somehow got to figure out a way to balance this out. Help?