Anger Management
I've been dwelling on the subject of anger the past few days. I have an admitted inability to deal well with anger. That applies to anger within me or anger from other people whether directed at me or me getting caught in the cross-fire. With all of my sensitivities and physical reaction to other's emotions, the fact anger completely disturbs me makes sense. It is a very violent emotion to me and I do whatever possible to avoid it.
However, today I am angry. I am angry over the physical problems that have manifested themselves and are making every trip to the doctor a complete chore. EVERY damn time I hear something that's not good.
Let me preface this rant with that I completely understand that I am NOT that bad off. People every second of the day endure suffering that I cannot even begin to comprehend. However, everything in life is relative and if you use what a person should be like in their late 20's vs. where I am at, I am not doing as well as I could. I already knew about the stomach issues, the digestive issues, teeth/gum problems and that my heart is mildly damaged. All things considered, yuck, but livable.
In January I went and had my "yearly" exam. Due to my eating disorder physical issues, my doctor has been scheduling appointments with me every month to check up on me. I thought that going in yesterday was one of those check up visits. I was met with that they needed to do another pap smear. Apparently someone dropped the ball on telling me that I had an "abnormal" reading come back and further tests were required. Hearing that anything is abnormal is bad enough; not being prepared to talk about it going into the appointment was worse. What else came out of this appointment was that there were some "issues" up there as well and my hormones are completely whacked out and "need monitoring."
Again, while I know this isn't the worst thing I could hear, it certainly isn't good. And I won't know for another week if the tests came back positive for a problem. I'm not even going to go into the big "C" word. I've been all over the place emotionally this past week with very little ability to cope with simple things at work. This only served to make it worse.
But getting back to my anger. I am so angry at people in my life for their contributions to my mental state and therefore my physical problems. I shouldn't be having to deal with any of this. I should be thinking about my career, and marriage and children. Not heart, stomach and reproductive problems!!! I don't even know what to do with myself. I know part of forgiving is letting yourself work through all of the emotional issues and scars, but I find it so difficult to a) get upset at others in the first place and b) allow people to take responsibility for their own actions. I take it all on. I have not figured out a way to balance any of this within my head and heart.
Ok, I must get back to trying to focus on work. This week, finding that focus is next to impossible.
PS. My string of not throwing up ended. I did it today. Grrrr... (Trying not to be mad at myself)
However, today I am angry. I am angry over the physical problems that have manifested themselves and are making every trip to the doctor a complete chore. EVERY damn time I hear something that's not good.
Let me preface this rant with that I completely understand that I am NOT that bad off. People every second of the day endure suffering that I cannot even begin to comprehend. However, everything in life is relative and if you use what a person should be like in their late 20's vs. where I am at, I am not doing as well as I could. I already knew about the stomach issues, the digestive issues, teeth/gum problems and that my heart is mildly damaged. All things considered, yuck, but livable.
In January I went and had my "yearly" exam. Due to my eating disorder physical issues, my doctor has been scheduling appointments with me every month to check up on me. I thought that going in yesterday was one of those check up visits. I was met with that they needed to do another pap smear. Apparently someone dropped the ball on telling me that I had an "abnormal" reading come back and further tests were required. Hearing that anything is abnormal is bad enough; not being prepared to talk about it going into the appointment was worse. What else came out of this appointment was that there were some "issues" up there as well and my hormones are completely whacked out and "need monitoring."
Again, while I know this isn't the worst thing I could hear, it certainly isn't good. And I won't know for another week if the tests came back positive for a problem. I'm not even going to go into the big "C" word. I've been all over the place emotionally this past week with very little ability to cope with simple things at work. This only served to make it worse.
But getting back to my anger. I am so angry at people in my life for their contributions to my mental state and therefore my physical problems. I shouldn't be having to deal with any of this. I should be thinking about my career, and marriage and children. Not heart, stomach and reproductive problems!!! I don't even know what to do with myself. I know part of forgiving is letting yourself work through all of the emotional issues and scars, but I find it so difficult to a) get upset at others in the first place and b) allow people to take responsibility for their own actions. I take it all on. I have not figured out a way to balance any of this within my head and heart.
Ok, I must get back to trying to focus on work. This week, finding that focus is next to impossible.
PS. My string of not throwing up ended. I did it today. Grrrr... (Trying not to be mad at myself)
posted by Self Therapy | 12:42 PM
1 Comments:
Sorry to hear about your physical unknown issue Kate. Not knowing is worse than knowing in most instances. Also sorry you are feeling so much stress which is what I believe triggered your throwing up espisode.
By your own admission, you take on everyone's problems and when things don't go right for them or you, you turn the anger inward which just creates more physical/emotional issues for you. A vicious cycle that is pretty self-destructive. At least that is what it appears like to me as an outsider.
Knowing it and feeling it are very different and then there is doing something about it. You are smart Kate. You have the knowledge and quite a bit of insight into yourself. You are right about letting people own their own stuff. You have more than enough on your own plate to deal with.
I wish you could take some time and get away from all the stress but I know that won't be possible until you know about your test results. After you know - either way, do yourself some good and go somewhere where you can regroup and recoop. And preferably somewhere where you have no responsibility and can pamper yourself without feeling guilty.
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