Divorce, Selfishness and Boundaries
In the advent of my divorce, therapy for my eating disorder and broken relationship, and having to listen to lots of various people’s ‘wisdom’ on the issues in my life, I have done a lot of introspection, reading and figuring out who I am and what exactly I believe.
The only conclusions I have come to are the following: 1) NO ONE knows what goes behind other people’s homes behind closed doors. 2) Both the liberal and conservative governments want to impose laws oversimplifying complicated situations for their own agendas. 3) Forcing any sort of law accountability is going to push people back into doing things more sneaky and eventually more harmful…you know the way it was in the early to mid 1900’s where women just put up with philandering husbands or alcoholic, verbally abusive husbands, etc… or men “putting up” with domineering wives who cared little about them as husbands, let their appearances go, lost interest in sex, etc… Both spouses would eventually get their kicks elsewhere whether it was another woman, jobs, children, clubs, etc…
This isn’t about more government control or law-makers making it more “difficult” to get divorced or forcing people to go back to “proving” various reasons for dissolving a marriage. It is about changing hearts and personal accountability…not more laws from agenda pushing officials who hypocritically are screwing both males and females behind their spouse’s and children’s backs as well as God-only-knows what else.
I read an article about the damage of divorce on children. How more and more couples are choosing to “stay together” for the sake of the children instead of divorcing. Personally, I think this is a load of crap. While divorce is painful, it is the attitude of the parents whether they divorce or not that makes a difference in the child(ren). In some cases, the couple divorcing is the best thing that can possibly happen even in cases where there is no abuse of any kind. Children that grow up in a household where the parents simply exist together for their sake have no better attitude towards marriage than those whose parents divorce. At least if one spouse remarries and has a healthy marriage, the child(ren) will get to see a better example.
I grew up in the age of parents simply staying together. Fortunately for me, my parents have been married 40 years very happily. I saw the best example of a loving, Christian marriage I think a person can witness and live. That didn’t save me from my own divorce though. Several of my friends, however, grew up in marital homes where their parents simply existed together. There was obviously no romance, no connection and a father who traveled quite frequently. That was “normal” to them. Most of them were smart enough to know that marriage could be more, but most will probably carry that complacent attitude to their own marriages.
Is it so wrong to want something more? Is it wrong to recognize that someone else, and perhaps it is your spouse, is simply a fundamentally unhealthy person for you to be around? That they are and probably will always be someone that brings out the absolute worst in your personality and inner psyche? Is it wrong to choose that there is someone else out there who can better be an actual partner for me and who brings out the best in me and me in them? Someone I don’t resent? Someone that I want to grow old with and have children with?
I know marriage is work, but marriage should not be a daily, sometimes hourly struggle to survive as a person. My ex is not a bad person. In many ways, he is a wonderful person with a lot to offer. I hope he finds someone wonderful that will love him for every bit of the person he is and finds a lot of happiness. We have a very long and convoluted history together that took an irreparable emotional toll that I could not recover from if I stayed with him. Had I stayed, it would have taken quite literally, years and years to even feel comfortable and “safe” emotionally with him. That would have put me in my 30’s. I would never have wanted to bring a child into the relationship as it was for a long time probably putting my child bearing into my mid-30’s. Then I would have spent half of my adult life just trying to recover from a relationship that probably wasn’t going to work anyway.
We get exactly one shot at this life. One. Only one. (Sorry, I don’t believe in past lives or reincarnation.) Even with my “Christian” beliefs, you can not convince me that God wants any of his children to be fundamentally unhappy and unable to be the person that they were created to be. Mistakes in relationships happen…especially when you are 21 years old and have been eating disordered for 2 years at that point. I had modified myself to be what everyone else wanted me to be or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I wasn’t myself anymore. I did not heed the red flags that were right in front of me because I didn’t know their long-term impact.
I have had to deal with lots of family members asking me, “So there is no hope? Seeing another counselor won’t help? Maybe you should just give it some more time. But you two seemed so happy.” Or my personal favorites, “With God, you two can save this marriage.” And “You just have to make the decision that divorce is not an option and push through this time.”
Then I have my ex in the other ear writing me about how much he doesn’t want this and he can’t believe I just gave up. And where is my commitment and belief in marriage? Or he never thought he would marry someone that would just walk away when things got a little tough.
Seriously, it is so convenient for people that hurt other people to say that. How about over a year ago when I asked for help with my ED and I asked for marital counseling and he wanted to pretend like nothing was the matter? He told me point blank he just wanted to let me pretend and smile because he couldn’t bear the fact I was unhappy. Instead of researching how deadly bulimia is and how on the brink of irreversible health damage I was at, he chose to ignore. Reject. Be convenient for him. And now I’m the one with no commitment.
How much time is enough? One year? Two years? Five years? After we’ve bought a house and had a child? After I collapse from continuing my eating disorder? After I suffer another mental breakdown? After I’m on more medications?
I’m reading a new book called “Better Boundaries.” For too long have I let too many other people’s opinions rule and run my life. I give more credence to other people’s thoughts and emotions than I do my own. I let other people’s emotional states turn my too empathetic heart. I need to learn better ways of protecting myself as I reclaim my life and do things the way that I know is best and healthiest for me. I need to learn caring ways of shutting people’s well intentioned comments down.
Sorry…lots of rambling. I’m just tried of reading over-generalized articles from “experts” about things which they themselves have probably no personal experience.
The only conclusions I have come to are the following: 1) NO ONE knows what goes behind other people’s homes behind closed doors. 2) Both the liberal and conservative governments want to impose laws oversimplifying complicated situations for their own agendas. 3) Forcing any sort of law accountability is going to push people back into doing things more sneaky and eventually more harmful…you know the way it was in the early to mid 1900’s where women just put up with philandering husbands or alcoholic, verbally abusive husbands, etc… or men “putting up” with domineering wives who cared little about them as husbands, let their appearances go, lost interest in sex, etc… Both spouses would eventually get their kicks elsewhere whether it was another woman, jobs, children, clubs, etc…
This isn’t about more government control or law-makers making it more “difficult” to get divorced or forcing people to go back to “proving” various reasons for dissolving a marriage. It is about changing hearts and personal accountability…not more laws from agenda pushing officials who hypocritically are screwing both males and females behind their spouse’s and children’s backs as well as God-only-knows what else.
I read an article about the damage of divorce on children. How more and more couples are choosing to “stay together” for the sake of the children instead of divorcing. Personally, I think this is a load of crap. While divorce is painful, it is the attitude of the parents whether they divorce or not that makes a difference in the child(ren). In some cases, the couple divorcing is the best thing that can possibly happen even in cases where there is no abuse of any kind. Children that grow up in a household where the parents simply exist together for their sake have no better attitude towards marriage than those whose parents divorce. At least if one spouse remarries and has a healthy marriage, the child(ren) will get to see a better example.
I grew up in the age of parents simply staying together. Fortunately for me, my parents have been married 40 years very happily. I saw the best example of a loving, Christian marriage I think a person can witness and live. That didn’t save me from my own divorce though. Several of my friends, however, grew up in marital homes where their parents simply existed together. There was obviously no romance, no connection and a father who traveled quite frequently. That was “normal” to them. Most of them were smart enough to know that marriage could be more, but most will probably carry that complacent attitude to their own marriages.
Is it so wrong to want something more? Is it wrong to recognize that someone else, and perhaps it is your spouse, is simply a fundamentally unhealthy person for you to be around? That they are and probably will always be someone that brings out the absolute worst in your personality and inner psyche? Is it wrong to choose that there is someone else out there who can better be an actual partner for me and who brings out the best in me and me in them? Someone I don’t resent? Someone that I want to grow old with and have children with?
I know marriage is work, but marriage should not be a daily, sometimes hourly struggle to survive as a person. My ex is not a bad person. In many ways, he is a wonderful person with a lot to offer. I hope he finds someone wonderful that will love him for every bit of the person he is and finds a lot of happiness. We have a very long and convoluted history together that took an irreparable emotional toll that I could not recover from if I stayed with him. Had I stayed, it would have taken quite literally, years and years to even feel comfortable and “safe” emotionally with him. That would have put me in my 30’s. I would never have wanted to bring a child into the relationship as it was for a long time probably putting my child bearing into my mid-30’s. Then I would have spent half of my adult life just trying to recover from a relationship that probably wasn’t going to work anyway.
We get exactly one shot at this life. One. Only one. (Sorry, I don’t believe in past lives or reincarnation.) Even with my “Christian” beliefs, you can not convince me that God wants any of his children to be fundamentally unhappy and unable to be the person that they were created to be. Mistakes in relationships happen…especially when you are 21 years old and have been eating disordered for 2 years at that point. I had modified myself to be what everyone else wanted me to be or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. I wasn’t myself anymore. I did not heed the red flags that were right in front of me because I didn’t know their long-term impact.
I have had to deal with lots of family members asking me, “So there is no hope? Seeing another counselor won’t help? Maybe you should just give it some more time. But you two seemed so happy.” Or my personal favorites, “With God, you two can save this marriage.” And “You just have to make the decision that divorce is not an option and push through this time.”
Then I have my ex in the other ear writing me about how much he doesn’t want this and he can’t believe I just gave up. And where is my commitment and belief in marriage? Or he never thought he would marry someone that would just walk away when things got a little tough.
Seriously, it is so convenient for people that hurt other people to say that. How about over a year ago when I asked for help with my ED and I asked for marital counseling and he wanted to pretend like nothing was the matter? He told me point blank he just wanted to let me pretend and smile because he couldn’t bear the fact I was unhappy. Instead of researching how deadly bulimia is and how on the brink of irreversible health damage I was at, he chose to ignore. Reject. Be convenient for him. And now I’m the one with no commitment.
How much time is enough? One year? Two years? Five years? After we’ve bought a house and had a child? After I collapse from continuing my eating disorder? After I suffer another mental breakdown? After I’m on more medications?
I’m reading a new book called “Better Boundaries.” For too long have I let too many other people’s opinions rule and run my life. I give more credence to other people’s thoughts and emotions than I do my own. I let other people’s emotional states turn my too empathetic heart. I need to learn better ways of protecting myself as I reclaim my life and do things the way that I know is best and healthiest for me. I need to learn caring ways of shutting people’s well intentioned comments down.
Sorry…lots of rambling. I’m just tried of reading over-generalized articles from “experts” about things which they themselves have probably no personal experience.
posted by Self Therapy | 8:23 AM
2 Comments:
I can tell you are still struggling with your decision and partly it has to do with what you either hear others saying or what you anticipate others to be thinking. Bottom line: you have to live with yourself and only you know really what is best for you. How can I or anyone know what you have been through and who is anyone to judge your motives?
Hell is to keep commitments that should have never been made. And I suppose heaven is being able to forgive ourselves and others when we break those commitments and move on to make better ones in the future.
Regardless of whether I agree with what you have done or your thought process, I can accept you for who you are - a person with an enormous amount of caring who is on the road to self-discovery.
I do enjoy reading about your thoughts. As hard as all this has been, you are growing. I can see it here in your blog.
Wow!
You describe me when describing yourself but wrote it more eloquently.
I love your blog.
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