Patience

I have never been one to have much patience. In fact, throughout my entire life, that is usually the one repetitive complaint. Everyone from teachers (Kate is so smart and friendly, but so impatient) to friends (If you would just learn to wait…) to colleagues (Take your time. It will happen.) have all had something to say about my lack of it. In fact, I would say it is probably my worst fault.

I’m not an entirely impatient person. There are special populations and situations I think I have more patience than the average person. It really boils down to expectations. I expect waiters and waitresses to do the job they are paid to do and provide timely and decent service. I expect people to know how to generally do their job. I expect people to be on time. I expect that people communicate to some effectiveness. When people are slacking on something I am expecting them to do, I get impatient. I also hate waiting. Nothing is worse to me than standing in a long line. If someone is being nit-picky, like arguing over a sale that amounts to 10 cents in the grocery store, I have been known to offer the person the 10 cents to just let it go so the rest of us in line can get on with life. And so on. My mom recently told me I had embarrassed her in front of friends because I acted visibly impatient and mad that our waitress was taking 5x longer to perform tasks and get us things we needed (like drink, food and check) than the average experience. I wasn’t even nasty to the waitress. I simply kept asking for the things we were supposed to get…ok, and I will concede I was slightly snippy. But I was NOT making a scene.

I am also someone that learns by doing. Reading directions and following them to the last letter is never something I have done well. I rarely ever read through directions before diving into a project. While my creativity in exploring the problem might shine, it has happened on more than one occasion that I spent all of that time doing it completely wrong.

Where I do have patience is when I am not expecting something out of the person or situation. I am very patient with the elderly (except in traffic when they shouldn’t be on the road anyway and are going 20 mph UNDER the speed limit). I will wait for them, walk with them and listen to the same stories over and over again because it brings a smile to their face. I have a heart for children and all of their messiness, as well as their meanderings. And lastly, I love volunteering with special needs populations. My energy often gives them a much needed boost and understanding in life that most people do not stop to give. In return, I have been awarded some of the most special experiences.

I am also the rare calm person in emergencies. It is almost like all of my impatience does a 180 to give a peace of mind to function carefully and thoughtfully, but efficiently. I have taken care of more than my fair share of accident situations with complete strangers I just happened upon…well, perhaps I was there for a reason?

I think about that when someone starts in on me about my typical lack of patience. While I certainly try to work on my patience levels in day-to-day situations, especially when they are completely out of my control, I also have to remember that it takes everyone to make the world work. If everyone had patience with everything and waited calmly for life to come to them, what would get done? However, if everyone ran after life without pausing for a breath, we’d all keel over with heart attacks by 35.

In keeping with the theme and to give me words of wisdom on the subject of patience, I found several quotes that I liked:

Patience is the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties. ~Unknown

Patience will achieve more than force. ~Edmund Burke

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Let nothing disturb thee;Let nothing dismay thee; All things pass; God never changes. Patience attains all that it strives for. ~St. Teresa de Cepeda

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. ~Dutch Proverb

It is very strange that the years teach us patience - that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting. ~Elizabeth Taylor, "A Wreath of Roses"

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. ~Helen Keller

There will be a time when loud-mouthed, incompetent people seem to be getting the best of you. When that happens, you only have to be patient and wait for them to self destruct. It never fails. ~Richard Rybolt

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew. ~Saint Francis de Sales

Life is all about timing…the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable becomes available, the unattainable…attainable. Have the patience; Wait it out. It’s all about timing. ~Stacey Charter

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead. ~Mac McCleary

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~Chinese Proverb

Perfectionism Take 2

I often thought that I was a high achiever. Someone who’s self-high expectations were something that be admired and ultimately constructive towards reaching goals. The longer I go without throwing up and, in essence, punishing myself through self-injury, the more I realize that my problem is perfectionism.

As one description read, “High achievers are driven by a goal to achieve, whereas perfectionists are driven by a fear of failure.” Even admitting that could be true of myself is difficult because that would mean I have less than perfect thinkingJ

I recently asked someone to tell me what kind of person they saw me as. I think my ED has royally skewed not only my self-perception but also what I think other people see in me. The answer I got was somewhat surprising. In fact, I found it to be more negative than I thought it would be, but that in and of itself is another sign of my perfectionism because I can only focus on the negatives.

They said, and I’m summing it up here, that I was “impatient, aggressive (forward), easy to get irritated, high expectations of self and others, diplomatic and well-spoken, funny, nice and a good listener.” (Notice I listed the negatives first and the positives last.) It was also noted that I could possibly come across as arrogant to people around the workplace because of perceived age vs. knowledge and my confidence level.

Negative parts of my personality really bother me and probably a lot more than most other people’s own negative aspects of their personality bother them. Interesting enough, whereas I expect a lot out of myself personally, I have very low expectations of others. I let myself be surprised by those whose personality is inherently kind, courteous and helpful. I notice other people’s positive attributes far more easily than their negatives. (Unless their negative aspects far outweigh their positives…and there are those people.) It creates a very biased and unreasonable comparison between myself and other people. Moments of self-satisfaction and real, true self-esteem are few and far between.

It is interesting to note that I do not take criticism, whether constructive or otherwise, but I do not accept compliments very often either. Criticisms are devastating to me. It is the verbal acknowledgment of my mistakes and deficiencies. I have a very difficult time accepting that I make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. Usually I do one of two things, or some combination, when I get criticism. I will 1) Obsess about what I did wrong and how it happened and immediately develop some sort of system to never let it happen again or 2) I come to the conclusion that whoever is giving me the criticism has no right to give me their comments because they do the same thing along with the “What? Do they think they are perfect?” attitude. And then I discount whatever imperfection the person pointed out because I determine they are an idiot with no frame of reference to be saying anything. I suppose you could say I am an odd combination of arrogant and self-depreciating.

And on to taking compliments; I can’t. The only way I can kind of take a compliment is if it is not paired with a negative. If it is paired with a negative, I will only hear the negative. The compliment becomes completely lost. Just to use an example, the description my friend has both negatives and positives. (Again, note that I listed the negatives first both above and just now – that’s indicative.) It reads to me like “impatient, aggressive, high expectations, etc… and then blah, blah, blah, blah. Then I’m shocked the person even bothered to list any positives because apparently all they see are negatives. Again, the only way I hear any positives are if they are not grouped with negatives.

I wish I could tell my boss that the next time he does my performance review, he needs to schedule two separate sessions. One session to focus only on positives and achievements and a separate session to go over negatives and ways to improve. I always leave performance reviews in complete despair because no matter how much I achieved, there were so many things I did wrong and didn’t achieve. There are so many things I could have done better.

I have no idea how to change this. I’ve prepped myself before things like job performance evaluations to remember my accomplishments and that everyone makes mistakes and all criticisms are said to help me succeed. And no matter how much I prep and self-talk, I STILL walk out feeling like a complete failure and confused as to why I even still have a job.

I am surprised that anyone wants to be friends with me and more readily believe and am validated when others don’t like me. Take my in-laws for example: They didn’t like me nor did they ever accept me. Over time, I thought I was the person that needed to change and couldn’t accept the fact that some personalities just don’t work together. I thought that they had every right to feel the way they felt and treat me poorly.

Like I said, I have no idea how to change this. It is as daunting to me as the thought of rewiring a house. I don’t know how to rewire much less wire a house in the first place. I wonder if it is even something I can change. Is my thought process in my genetic code? Will I ever stress less? Have less anxiety? Believe that there are people out there that love me despite my imperfections? Stop thinking that all people see is the sum of my mistakes? I don’t know. I really don't know.

Where we are is so far from where we’ve been
The relentless nature of life and all it’s done
And the weather we have not withstood
And the wall that has been built between

Starting with my arms open wide
Innocent and unassuming despite the fear
Your story to that point would be the undoing
Before we even had a chance to begin

Haunted by too many words said and actions done
Cold beginning to the time I began to die
Slowly in front of your face
You did not see behind my eyes

The façade I built and you accepted
Too afraid to lose the dream
Never wanting to admit the faults and lies
And that all was not as it seemed

I am awake yet my eyes are closed
Tight for fear you will see me cry
Vulnerability I can’t bring myself to share
Too much time has passed us by

Memories float as I drift off to sleep
Promises made inside my head
Dreams of all we could have been
Are now done and I’ve put to bed

If I Were...

If I were a color, I’d be…red
If I were an animal, I’d be…the fancy feast cat (long story)
If I were a landscape, I’d be…a seascape
If I were a plant, I’d be…magnolia
If I were a vehicle, I’d be…a cherry red Corvette
If I were a type of music, I’d be…smooth jazz
If I were a food item, I’d be…chocolate
If I were an article of clothing, I’d be…dress
If I were a household appliance, I’d be…a food processor
If I were a celestial object, I’d be…the sun
If I were a god or goddess, I’d be…Athena
If I were a time of day, I’d be…3:30
If I were a spice or herb, I’d be…rosemary
If I were a piece of jewelry, I’d be…an heirloom
If I were a toy, I’d be…a doll
If I were a shape, I’d be…an oval

Tea and Sugar

I have gotten in the habit of having tea at my desk every day right around 3. My mom got me this cafe cup from Tea Forte along with an assortment of teas to try and I've been using this time to relax and try all of the teas.

While the water is heating, I eye the sugar dispenser longingly wishing to put real sugar in my tea. While wistfully gazing, the microwave beeps and I get the water out and begin seeping the tea pyramid. I continue to contemplate using real sugar instead of artificial sweetener debating in my head the wonderful taste vs. the guilt after indulging. The argument in my head is ridiculous. I mean for crying out loud, it is a f-ing teaspoon of sugar! USE THE DAMN SUGAR!!!!!!!!!

And then I grab the pink Sweet 'n Low packet and head back to my desk.