The Need ToBe Heard

It occurred to me that the need to be heard is probably one of the most fundamental needs a human can have. We need acknowledgement. We need someone to look at us. We need to know that others know we exist. We need to know that not only do others know we exist but that our existence means something.

I used to judge my husband’s mother a lot. She left my husband’s dad for several months and then decided to file for divorce. She left three children, however, getting custody after the divorce. I used to sit there and think, “How could a mother do that to her children? Was her life so bad? She’s so selfish!” One night though, I let her talk about that situation and I tried to listen with an open mind. I had heard plenty from my husband’s dad. I heard how he tried to get her to stay and think about the children, etc… He always found a way to not take responsibility for the situation and make it all about her. However, that night I listened to her. What she had to stay didn’t register with me until just recently as I’ve been acknowledging my own thought deficiencies.

Her problem boiled down to the fact that she felt she was no longer heard. And in fact, knowing my husband’s father, I would wager she was not. The one person she wanted most to support her as a person, support her goals, support her dreams, etc… was not listening. She had grown and changed as a person and wanted different things out of life than before. She no longer felt safe to become the person she felt was brewing inside. She felt stuck. She felt UNHEARD and therefore, unimportant and invalidated. That feeling can drive people to do really crazy things. She didn’t know what else to do so she left. She left to be heard. She left so she didn’t do the one thing that she had rolled around and that was ending her own life.

I look at my own situation right now and what I have been doing to myself and it really boils down to the same thing. I am not being heard. I feel like I am screaming and screaming. And everyone is just acting like nothing is wrong. I finally feel like I understand where my husband’s mom was coming from. Invalidation makes me feel like a caged animal. It must have made her the same way. Desperate. Asking “What do I have to do to get someone’s attention?” Her answer may have not been the best one, but when you are that desperate to feel “normal,” anything seems better than where the mind is at in the moment.

The need to be heard. The need to feel validated. The need to feel like you are free to be yourself. Yes, those needs are so important. Most importantly to feel all those things from the person who is supposed to love you more than anything. And the feeling of total rejection and emptiness one feels when that person doesn’t even acknowledge that there is so hurtful.