Finally...a new blog!

I haven’t written on this blog for sometime now. I am not sure why. Maybe a fear of actually putting things down in writing again? Also, so much to say, I don't know where to begin? I don’t know. Sometimes I think the more I try to analyze myself and come up with some sort of rationalization for my behavior, the further I slip from understanding. I am encountering more and more frustration from others. To a “normal” person, the things that I have such difficulty with seem so simple to them and therefore there becomes a lack of understanding of what and why I do what I do.

I’m encounter some interesting “things.” A decrease in my bulimic behavior has led to a more serious depression. I have been trying and trying to not use throwing up as a means of “purging” (pardon the pun) my overwhelming emotions. Since I don’t have my typical form of release, I find myself slipping further into a pit of depression and despair that I am having a difficult time overcoming. I need more sleep. I am more melancholy. Sometimes I overcompensate for that by being excessively cheery and friendly. While I “speak up more” it is only when people ask the proper questions, not out of my own free will usually. I am becoming very angry at people letting my growing resentment bubble just under the surface.

I haven’t been to a counselor in a month and I can tell. I’ve been trying to self-medicate with over the counter sleeping pills to help me get some rest, but truthfully, it is doing very little good. My company switched our insurance in the middle of the year and the therapist I had been seeing is no longer on the provider list. I have such difficulty trusting people that this has sent me into a whole other stratosphere of stress. I know I need to continue to get treatment but the trauma of having to start over with someone new and place my trust in them is very overwhelming right now. I still have yet to see a doctor as well and that has GOT TO HAPPEN.

Last Friday, I got so overwhelmed that I cut myself again. I had such severe self-loathing. Again, it goes back to something that is seemingly such a simple thing to other people and yet, it is a difficult thing to me given my state of mind. It’s like I have 4 swirling vortexes of issues. Some things in each silo are related, yet some of them are very separate. It’s getting increasingly difficult to juggle. Two silos are much deeper than the others as well. Anyway, two silos were rather out of control and led to an overwhelming feeling of self-hatred and disgust with myself. I hadn’t eaten enough to throw up so I took out my office scissors and started in on myself. I got 5 cuts in on my left forearm before the shame started kicking in. I was in such an agitated state that I then took a leftover pain pill to calm myself down. Not exactly the best form of self-medication, but it temporarily worked. Later that night, I was at a party eating fried food and drinking wine and made myself throw-up. The fried food made me feel disgusting and I was just feeling terrible again. Admittedly, throwing up felt good. It always does for the moment. Then, as with the cutting, I go through the shame and guilt cycle over having given into it again.

Ugh! Terrible place right now. Much more to write, but I can’t do it anymore. Must get back to focusing on work.