Support

I am realizing more and more how absolutely imperitive it is to have a support system while trying to deal with an eating disorder or any self-injurous behaviors. People with eating disorders are surrounded by those that don't care, don't want to get involved or frightened by what you are dealing with. How do I know this? I am surrounded by such people...not all, but most. I am blessed to have a few people in my life that truly express not only care and concern but encouragement to get better. I am so thankful for the few. But, most people leave me feeling very lonely and regretting I ever said anything in the first place.

Much of my silence comes from how I was treated after I cut myself in college. I was met with ignorance, ignoring, outright hostility and people that just avoided me and looked at me like I was a freak. One of the avoiders was actually the person I married. Much of his avoidence was due to the fact he felt responsible. In some ways, he was. I had a blow-out argument with him that resulted in the more horrific feeling of hopelessness I have ever experienced. In some ways, I have never gotten over that feeling.

I joined an online message board for people that are attempting to recovery from an Eating Disorder. While I am not big on replacing actual people for cyber friends, reading and "interacting" with others going through similar experiences on the road to trying to recover is very powerful. Instead of feeling hopeless, you get the small inkling of "I can do this! I can beat this! One day I will feel like myself again. I am not alone in this world." Again, it goes back to the need to be heard.

My husband continues to ignore and therefore invalidate. He's talking about buying a house. Dear God could anything be further from what I need at the moment? Is he really just that clueless or is this a desperate attempt to find and cling to something normal and domestic? I don't know. I really don't. Our two attempts at martial counseling have fallen by the wayside. As a small test, I didn't bring up the counseling (since I was the one that booked it anyway) to see if he would care enough to want to continue. It has now been 4 weeks since our last appointment and not a single word has been said. He doesn't ask about my personal counseling nor does he ask how I feel. He asks how my day is going but not how I am doing. He'll go out of his way to tell my how physically beautiful I am, but says nothing about how beautiful he finds me as a person. Maybe he feels that if he tells me I am attractive enough, that will somehow get me to stop trying to be thin. What he doesn't realize though is that what I do has so very, very little to do with wanting to be thin.

Am I wrong to want my husband to take an active and encouraging stance in my disorder of his own accord? Am I putting too much blame on him when I don't tell him what I want and need? The fundamental problem is that I don't know how to tell him what I want and need from him. I lose my voice. He is fully aware of my disorder but sits back and passively lets me deal with it. That is not support. That is a wall. I am living with someone that doesn't know how or doesn't want to help me. I feel like his cute, intelligent wife he can show off as long as I keep up the facade. Dear God, let's not acknowledge that she has a problem. If I acknowledge it, then it might actually be real.

The truth is, I don't know how to get better while remaining in the relationship. I don't know if I am capable. I have to start surrounding myself with people that are going to work with me to get through this. Not people that ignore and perpetuate the problem. As my therapist has been saying, "I need to shit or get off the pot." In other words, I need to start turning those people in my life loose and get back to the ones that really care. And not only care in thought, but act like that care and do things because they care.