Denial

"'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"

"I think I should understand that better," Alice said very politely, "if I had it written down: but I can't quite follow it as you say it."

-Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I can feel myself doing it. I can actually feel myself going into denial mode. One would think if I could feel it, I would stop it. Yes, to a normal functioning mind, that would make perfect sense. But I would argue my mind is not entirely "normal functioning" or rational for that matter.

I look at myself and think "I'm not skinny" so I'm not extreme on that front. I get severe heartburn, but so what? Lots of people without eating disorders have heartburn. Maybe mine has nothing to do with that. My gums get swollen but that could just be from stress. Maybe I have glands that are swollen but to be honest, I have no idea what normal glands are as I have not stopped throwing up for years. Life has slipped back into the "comfortable" unacknowledgement that I have grown accustomed to. I have gotten over the horror of what I'm doing to myself. A few months ago, I was so terrified at what I was doing to my body. The realization that I stick my fingers down my throat sometimes daily to barf up food became absolutely disgusting to me. Now, it has lost its horror. I'm almost comfortable with it again. "So what?" I keep asking myself. Is it really that big of a deal?

I'm sitting here on a Monday morning with just terrific heartburn. I woke up with it this morning. I had it last night too and my normal cure of Zantac did absolutely nothing to heal it over night. I'm trying to drink tea to get some caffine so I can wake up. Tea is slightly better than coffee on beverages that upset my stomach. Even as I'm sipping tea and reading the paragraph above, I'm not as upset by this comfortableness as I know I should be. Disconnecting, disengaging, and separation. I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling anything except tiredness. I am so damn tired all the time!

My counselors keep asking me what its going to take for me to act? To put to a halt the facade. To force change. To start being me again. Hell, I don't know. I had a bad relapse of vomiting this weekend. I did okay yesterday but the day before I went to eat with my parents, husband and cousin visiting from Chicago. She had brought her roommate as well and they were staying with her mom and step-dad in a neighboring city. We went to this southern cooking restaurant. We all ate ridiculous amounts of food. Appetizers, crab cake, bread, cheesy broccoli-rice casserole, green beans, dessert... It was ridiculous. And here was my skinny-ass cousin sitting next to me talking about how much food she eats. I was so annoyed. So I ate and ate and threw the whole damn thing up. It was a lot and I felt terrible afterward. But of course, I've perfected the art of doing it quickly, quietly and fixing myself so I look "normal." My mom was standing outside the bathroom when I got out. I think she knew something, but she didn't say anything. And life just rolls on...

So what is it going to take? Hmmm...Sometimes I have a fantasy of doing something drastic. I feel like its not bad enough for anyone to care. I still look normal, I still act normal...so maybe I am normal. But I'm not. And I keep rationalizing it away...