Relapse

Continuing thoughts from my Denial post.

I am relapsing. And I can't beat myself up for it. I've thrown up 5 times in the past week. Most of it has to do with the fact that I cannot, or will not, or am unable to talk to my husband. Last night we had my parents over for dinner before they went on vacation. I cooked a really delcious pasta dish (however, keep in mind that I love to throw up pasta). I set our dining room table, busted out the wine, put on a happy face and let myself have a good time. Afterward though, I actually felt sick from eating so much. I was also annoyed that everyone was having such a good time. I was mad at myself for eating so much. I continue to be irritated by the fact my husband won't acknowledge anything I'm dealing with. I'm irritated with my inability to speak. I procrastinate so much of it because I feel guilty of about things I've done out of hurt and anger. Kind of a "who am I to get mad?" type of thing. I want to run away. I get tired of thinking so much. It scares me how much I still crave throwing up over things. One would think that I would be more horrified after actually knowing what I'm doing to myself.

You know what's sad? I really don't even remember what it feels like to be completely well. The last time I was completely well both mentally and physically was when I was 18 years old. That's a long time ago...almost 8 years. I will probably break down in a fit of sobs the first time I don't feel sick after eating or getting mid-afternoon headaches from dehydration or be able to actually get my teeth whitened for good without having to worry about acid ruining the new finish. What it would feel like for my gums not be swollen or my cheeks not to be a little unnaturally puffy or my glands to not feel like little rocks in my throat. I would love to go back to the time I didn't beat my mind senseless for the smallest of infractions and punish myself for mistakes. Oh to be 18 again and know what I know now.