Depression
I think I finally need to admit something to myself. I’ve been fighting it for a long time. However, a friend brought up last night that they think I could have clinical depression. I know that isn’t an earth-shattering thought considering my struggles with the ED, but I guess it never really sank in that I am experiencing a major bout with depression. I have become so good at lying, but I think I have I have become the best at lying to myself.
I went online and looked up diagnostic criteria for clinical depression. Sadly, I pretty much meet every single one of them. For months now, I have had extreme difficulty concentrating at work. I will, quite literally, stare at my computer screen with a sort of paralysis. I know I have about 50 things on my To-Do list, but I cannot make myself care to work. I can sleep for 6 hours or 12 hours and I wake up feeling like I’ve barely slept at all. I don’t care about many of the things I used to. I don’t particularly relish the idea of being around people. For anyone that knows me, that is very unusual. I have feelings of extreme guilt. I blame myself for everything. I think I don’t deserve to be happy. I feel hopeless. I’ve flirted with using prescription drugs to dull everything else. I have reliance on over-the-counter sleeping pills. I can’t wait to go home so I can attempt to sleep. And then, to make it all worse, when I feel really bad, all I want to do is eat and then throw it all up. I get frequent headaches and joint aches. And I just feel so damn tired all of the time. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I can’t stand to feel like this so I don’t give into it. I hate the idea of going and sitting in someone’s office and having them “diagnose” me and make it a reality. I hate seeming weak. I hate seeming like I can’t deal with my problems. I hate thinking that I could be one of the masses with “depression.” Sometimes the very concept seems so…so…ridiculous to me. Yet, here I am sitting here, avoiding work, feeling hopeless and wanting to go home, crawl into bed and sleep. Very little makes me happy. I have been sitting here for nearly 2 hours and accomplished nothing. And I have no desire to accomplish anything. That in and of itself should be the biggest red flag because I am so competitive in a normal state. I live to accomplish.
I really need to get into see a doctor. Just suck it up and admit I have a serious problem. Ugh! I hate this. I really do.
I went online and looked up diagnostic criteria for clinical depression. Sadly, I pretty much meet every single one of them. For months now, I have had extreme difficulty concentrating at work. I will, quite literally, stare at my computer screen with a sort of paralysis. I know I have about 50 things on my To-Do list, but I cannot make myself care to work. I can sleep for 6 hours or 12 hours and I wake up feeling like I’ve barely slept at all. I don’t care about many of the things I used to. I don’t particularly relish the idea of being around people. For anyone that knows me, that is very unusual. I have feelings of extreme guilt. I blame myself for everything. I think I don’t deserve to be happy. I feel hopeless. I’ve flirted with using prescription drugs to dull everything else. I have reliance on over-the-counter sleeping pills. I can’t wait to go home so I can attempt to sleep. And then, to make it all worse, when I feel really bad, all I want to do is eat and then throw it all up. I get frequent headaches and joint aches. And I just feel so damn tired all of the time. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I can’t stand to feel like this so I don’t give into it. I hate the idea of going and sitting in someone’s office and having them “diagnose” me and make it a reality. I hate seeming weak. I hate seeming like I can’t deal with my problems. I hate thinking that I could be one of the masses with “depression.” Sometimes the very concept seems so…so…ridiculous to me. Yet, here I am sitting here, avoiding work, feeling hopeless and wanting to go home, crawl into bed and sleep. Very little makes me happy. I have been sitting here for nearly 2 hours and accomplished nothing. And I have no desire to accomplish anything. That in and of itself should be the biggest red flag because I am so competitive in a normal state. I live to accomplish.
I really need to get into see a doctor. Just suck it up and admit I have a serious problem. Ugh! I hate this. I really do.
posted by Self Therapy | 7:53 AM
1 Comments:
Please try yoga. It really helps with emotions as well as gives you some relief from physical tension.
Post a Comment
<< Home