Complications

Well, I am finally allowing myself to admit that I have physical problems. Yesterday, I had to go to the dentist to get a filling. I have never had a cavity in my life. In fact, it was supposed to be nearly impossible for me to get a cavity because I had sealant on all of my molars. Something had eroded most of them causing a cavity. I really didn't make the correlation until I was laying in bed last night with joint aches. I got up and went to the computer to read a little more about it. My joint aches could be caused by a number of things including a sodium and/or potassium deficiency. That could also be causing my headaches. So, in other words, my body is very obviously imbalanced.

Procrastination and Perfectionism

I'm going to start out sounding like I'm in an AA meeting. "My name is ____ and I am a perfectionist." As a result of this, I also am a procrastinator in the worse sense. A friend recently pointed out all of the major life changes that I am avoiding, conversations I am running from and a general lack of urgency when it comes to taking care of myself emotionally and physically. It is true. I am avoiding. I am scared to take the next steps.

In an effort to understand this problem that I have, I did some research. I'm posting some of the more interesting paragraphs of information I read. Articles are in red, parts I feel that are really applicable to me are blue and bolded and my own thoughts are remarks are in black.

One article was found on Science Daily.

Prof. Gordon Flett and a team of Canadian researchers in a landmark study have developed a 45-item questionnaire to identify the three types of perfectionists: self-oriented perfectionists (expect perfection of themselves); other-oriented perfectionists (demand perfection from other people); and socially prescribed perfectionists (think others expect perfection from them). The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, as it is also known, was just published this week by Multi-Health Systems Inc., based in Toronto. It is the first published scale that focuses specifically on perfectionism from a multidimensional perspective.

"Perfectionism is the need to be or to appear perfect," says Flett. "Perfectionists are persistent, detailed and organized high achievers. Perfectionists vary in their behaviors: some strive to conceal their imperfections; others attempt to project an image of perfection. But all perfectionists have in common extremely high standards for themselves or for others."

Moreover, Flett, who is also Canada Research Chair in Personality and Health, adds that certain forms of perfectionism can be linked to a host of emotional, physical and relationship problems, including depression, eating disorders, marital discord and even suicide. "Perfectionism is not officially recognized as a psychiatric disorder. However extreme forms of perfectionism should be considered an illness similar to narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness, dependent-personality disorder and other personality disorders because of its links to distress and dysfunction."

He adds that perfectionists reveal themselves in three distinct ways: first, a "self-promotion" style, that involves attempts to impress others by bragging or displaying one's perfection (this type is easy to spot because they often irritate other people); second, by shunning situations in which they might display their imperfection (common even in young children); and third, a tendency to keep problems to oneself (including an inability to admit failure to others).

*Ten Top Signs Your a Perfectionist
Are you a perfectionist? Flett has devised a list of telltale signs:
1. You can't stop thinking about a mistake you made.
2. You are intensely competitive and can't stand doing worse than others.
3. You either want to do something "just right" or not at all.
4. You demand perfection from other people.
5. You won't ask for help if asking can be perceived as a flaw or weakness.
6. You will persist at a task long after other people have quit.
7. You are a fault-finder who must correct other people when they are wrong.
8. You are highly aware of other people's demands and expectations.
9. You are very self-conscious about making mistakes in front of other people.
10. *You noticed the error in the title of this list.

For me, the only statements that do not apply are 4 and 7. I am only a perfectionist and overly critical with myself. And the really interesting that was that I was VERY annoyed at this article at first for publishing with a grammatical error (note #10).

Another article really hit the nail on the head for me. In fact, I really didn't realize I thought this way until I read this and completely identified with what it said.

Perfectionism is a psychological orientation which, depending on the severity, may have biological and/or environmental causes. To an educated observer, a perfectionist orientation is usually evident by the preschool years, though it may not cause problems until the college years. The perfectionist orientation has two components: impossibly high standards, and the behaviors intended to help achieve the standards and avoid mistakes. The high standards interfere with performance, and perfectionist behavior becomes an obstacle instead of a means to achieving the goal.

Due to obsessive effort and high standards of performance combined with natural gifts, perfectionists may be athletic, musical, academic, or social achievers, but they may equally as often be underachievers. Perfectionists engage in dichotomous thinking, believing that there is only one right outcome and one way to achieve that outcome. Dichotomous thinking causes indecisiveness, since according to the individual's perception a decision, once made, will be either entirely right or entirely wrong. Due to their exacting precision, they take an excessive amount of time to perform tasks. Even small tasks become overwhelming, which leads to frustration, procrastination, and further anxiety caused by time constraints.

Perfectionists also pay selective attention to their own achievements, criticizing themselves for mistakes or failures, and downplaying their successes. Overwhelmed by anxiety about their future performance, they are unable to enjoy successes.

Perfectionist anxiety can cause headaches, digestive problems, muscle tension, and heart and vascular problems. Anxiety can also cause "blanking" or temporary memory losses before events such as musical performances or academic exams. Perfectionists also hesitate to try new activities for fear of being a beginner at an activity, even for a short period of time. Negative effects of perfectionism are felt especially when an individual is a perfectionist in all areas of life, rather than in one realm, such as an artistic or scientific pursuit, which might allow room for mistakes in other areas of life.

In extreme forms perfectionism may contribute to depression or be diagnosed as obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (which should be distinguished from the more serious obsessive compulsive disorder ). The more common syndromes of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa can be considered an extreme form of perfectionism directed towards the body and its appearance. The irrational distortions of perception that can arise from abnormally high standards of "performance" (i.e., thinness) are evident in the anorexic's perception of her or himself as fat.

Perfectionist behavior functions essentially to control events. Conditions that place the child in a position of vulnerability and/or that require the child to take extra responsibility for events can contribute to perfectionism. First-born children, children with excessively critical parents, and children who have lost a parent or sibling all may be predisposed towards perfectionism. It is estimated that 15% of gifted children will struggle with perfectionism at some point in their lives. Although it may not be immediately evident, often there is a sense of vulnerability, inferiority, shame, or guilt behind perfectionist efforts. The perfectionist's continual high achievements and/or control over events do not lead to satisfaction because there is always something to criticize or worry about, or another goal to achieve.

The last article I read is from the University of Texas at Austin. Highlights include:

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish motivation for healthy achievement from unhealthy perfectionism, and sometimes we make the distinction even harder by holding on to myths about perfectionism. This makes life a good deal more difficult than need be. Below are common myths about perfectionism.

MYTH: I wouldn't be the success I am today if I weren't such a perfectionist.
REALITY: Perfectionism does not lead to success and fulfillment.

Although some perfectionists are remarkably successful, what they fail to realize is that their success has been achieved despite-not because of-their compulsive striving.

There is no evidence that perfectionists are more successful than their non-perfectionistic counterparts. There is evidence that given similar levels of talent, skill or intellect, perfectionists perform less successfully than non-perfectionists.

MYTH: Perfectionists get things done and they do things right.
REALITY: Perfectionists often have problems with procrastination, missed deadlines, and low productivity.

Psychologists find that perfectionists tend to be "all-or-nothing" thinkers. They see events and experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect, with nothing in between. Such thinking often leads to procrastination, because a requirement of flawless perfection, in even the smallest of tasks, can become fearfully overwhelming. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can't be done perfectly, it's not worth doing.

Such beliefs often lead to undesired results. A perfectionist student may turn in a paper weeks late (or not at all), rather than turn it in on time with less-than-perfect sentences. A perfectionist worker may spend so much time agonizing over some non-critical detail that a critical project misses its deadline.

MYTH: Perfectionists just have this enormous desire to please others and to be the very best they can.
REALITY: Perfectionistic tendencies often begin as an attempt to win love, acceptance, and approval.

Perfectionists are driven by low self-esteem, so their own needs ultimately blind them to the needs and wishes of others. Indeed, their compulsiveness may lead others to beg for a change that the perfectionist cannot or will not make. Perfectionism is more likely to complicate than enhance one's relationships.

And lastly, a parable that was used to illustrate the problem with perfectionism.

One of the characteristics of perfectionists is their "value rigidity." They refuse to let go of particular ideas, even in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary. Here is a fable illustrating the pitfalls of value rigidity, adapted from Robert Pirsig's well-known work, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

The "South Indian Monkey Trap" was developed by villagers to catch the ever-present and numerous small monkeys in that part of the world. It involves a hollowed-out coconut chained to a stake. The coconut has some rice inside which can be seen through a small hole. The hole is just big enough so that the monkey can put his hand in, but too small for his fist to come out after he has grabbed the rice.

Tempted by the rice, the monkey reaches in and is suddenly trapped. He is not able to see that it is his own fist that traps him, his own desire for the rice. He rigidly holds on to the rice, because he values it. He cannot let go and by doing so retain his freedom. So the trap works and the villagers capture him.

Perfectionists need to rethink their own values and decide whether they are going to continue to be trapped by these values or free themselves.

So what does all of this have to do with me? EVERYTHING! I am realizing more and more that I tend to see everything in black and white. This stems from perfectionism, but probably also from religious orientation that mistakes are eternally punishable. As I read these articles, I can see all of the ways the perfectionist tendencies have manifested themselves in every single area of my life from college to work, family relationships, marriage, friendships, etc... Everything is right or wrong. I live in a self-created world of absolutes the define my entire life. Breaking out and letting go of any absolute belief I have held is VERY, VERY difficult for me.

This then leads to my problem with bulimia. It is not only a perfectionist body image issue but also an action by which I punish myself for infractions that go into all of the gray areas or even when I do something I would categorize as "black." A sin. A moral wrongness. Mentally I do not allow myself to be human. I will go through periods of rebellion against my beliefs. A sort of self-sabotage. To use the monkey trap parable, I am still the monkey holding onto the rice but I'm forcing my hand out with the rice no matter how much I disfigure my hand. Does that makes sense?

Mind you, I'm still not at the point of going into the gray areas, accepting that I am a human and making enormous amounts of change, but I am recognizing my "problems" more and more. What will it take to let go of the rice? I'm not quite sure yet. It is a very difficult move to make without a support system. Any change is scary. Changing on my own is even more terrifying. Eventually though, I will get tired of holding onto the rice. It's exhausting and imprisoning.

Friendly Advice

A good friend recently told me the following quote after I laid out my life issues.
"People often say life is too short. Actually, life is too long. Think about that."

Thank you friend, I will.

Parents

Well, I did something I shouldn't have. It started out innocently enough. My parents are on vacation and my husband and I are taking care of their house. I got on my mom's America Online account to look up an email address and saw an email from that person. I opened it to get the address and saw that said friend had replied to something my mom had sent to her about me and "problem" and my marriage. So, of course, I went to the sent mail to see what my mom had written. That was a mistake. It sent me into a depression.

The basic gist was that she hasn't spent much time with me and she spends more time with her neighbor Amy than me. And that it is hard for her and my dad to watch my marriage deteriorate but they don't want to get involved. Also, because of my depression (yes, she won't actually call it an eating disorder) and the marital problems, they are having a hard time adjusting to the move and are thankful that they get to go out of town frequently so they don't feel as down.

So, in my twisted little mind, I felt like I had ruined everyone's life at the moment. My parents were expecting to move to FL to be with me and my husband in their retirement and instead are trying to distract themselves away from us. They still won't call my problem what it is. My mom at least seems to deal better with the me having "depression" rather than the fact I make myself throw-up. Of course my marriage is crumbling as well. And because I opened up my mouth to a particular someone several months ago, I started a chain of events in this person's life that have led to a lot of heartache. So, in short, I almost feel like my ruined life is better than six people's lives being in turmoil. 1 to 6.

I'm sure as anyone is reading this they think my thought process is really whacked. Of course it is. I wouldn't have a problem if I thought normally. Intellectually I know that I am not ruining other people's lives and such, but I feel it. For someone that is constantly thinking about what I can do for other people and that I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, the fact that I am affecting others is really bothersome. I feel selfish.

2nd Blog

You may have noticed that I have removed a few of my posts. They have been put on a the 2nd blog site I created. I decided that this blog was becoming rather unfocused with my compulsive need to write about other random things in my life. So, this blog will be for all things related to my eating disorder and attempt at recovering and my other blog will be for everything else.

http://myrunningcommentary.blogspot.com

Relapse

Continuing thoughts from my Denial post.

I am relapsing. And I can't beat myself up for it. I've thrown up 5 times in the past week. Most of it has to do with the fact that I cannot, or will not, or am unable to talk to my husband. Last night we had my parents over for dinner before they went on vacation. I cooked a really delcious pasta dish (however, keep in mind that I love to throw up pasta). I set our dining room table, busted out the wine, put on a happy face and let myself have a good time. Afterward though, I actually felt sick from eating so much. I was also annoyed that everyone was having such a good time. I was mad at myself for eating so much. I continue to be irritated by the fact my husband won't acknowledge anything I'm dealing with. I'm irritated with my inability to speak. I procrastinate so much of it because I feel guilty of about things I've done out of hurt and anger. Kind of a "who am I to get mad?" type of thing. I want to run away. I get tired of thinking so much. It scares me how much I still crave throwing up over things. One would think that I would be more horrified after actually knowing what I'm doing to myself.

You know what's sad? I really don't even remember what it feels like to be completely well. The last time I was completely well both mentally and physically was when I was 18 years old. That's a long time ago...almost 8 years. I will probably break down in a fit of sobs the first time I don't feel sick after eating or getting mid-afternoon headaches from dehydration or be able to actually get my teeth whitened for good without having to worry about acid ruining the new finish. What it would feel like for my gums not be swollen or my cheeks not to be a little unnaturally puffy or my glands to not feel like little rocks in my throat. I would love to go back to the time I didn't beat my mind senseless for the smallest of infractions and punish myself for mistakes. Oh to be 18 again and know what I know now.

I liked this...

My favorite thing ever said about ENFP's
"ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Sometimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

I've been asked how I could cope and hide having a problem such as bulimia for so long. One reason is the secrecy and perfectionism, but the other is that in all honestly, I can't STAND to be serious for too long. By nature, I am a happy and positive person. I cannot dwell on negatives for an extended period of time. When that "switch" gets flipped, I am silly as all get out. If I have had a busy day at work, I turn into a raging smart-ass around 3:30. My mind craves some humor. It's nice to know that other people with the same personality type have the same issue.

Interesting article distinguishing different types of bulimia.

Simple Bulimia Nervosa is an illness that begins most commonly when the girls are about 18 yrs of age. They are a fairly normal group before the illness. They tend to have been mildly under confident and unassertive but come from a broad range of unexceptional family backgrounds. They have probably made friends in a normal way at school and are often fairly popular. The illness is frequently triggered by a period of unhappiness and this is often caused by a destructive relationship with a boyfriend. The feeling of self dislike focuses on appearance and dieting is begun in an attempt to improve self esteem. In contrast to an anorexic the diet is not very successful with the rigid control needed breaking down into bouts of cheating. Vomiting is used as part of increased efforts to achieve the weight loss and so the cycle of bingeing and vomiting begins. There is more loss of control as the body's normal mechanisms of appetite control are over ridden and confused. The weight will remain close to normal but the eating pattern becomes gradually worse. This form of bulimia is the least severe but the severity varies considerably. It is likely that there are large numbers of girls with fairly mild symptoms that never come to medical help but there is a significant risk that it will slowly get worse with time. A common time for sufferers to seek help is when they are planning to start a family in their early twenties and are concerned about possible effects on having babies.

Anorexic Bulimia Nervosa is a variant of the illness that is preceded by a bout of Anorexia Nervosa. Quite often this anorexic episode is a brief one and the sufferer begins to recover without treatment. It is followed typically by a short period of stabilised weight just below that at which the menstruation may restart, around 46 kg. The control of the anorexic is not sustained and bingeing begins usually in a very small way but becomes more severe especially once vomiting begins. Often they begin by vomiting after what would for a normal person be an ordinary meal but this leads to a loss of control of the appetite drive and true bingeing gradually starts. Occasionally the vomiting and bingeing start first but then there is a period of significant weight loss in an anorexic phase that includes restrictive eating. The illness becomes dominated by the bingeing and vomiting behaviour but the weight remains low for a while before gradually rising to near and in time above normal. The personality profile and backgrounds of these girls is similar as for a group with Anorexia Nervosa. A description may be found in the leaflet "Introducing Anorexia Nervosa". When there are differences the Bulimic group seem to be slightly less obsessive and to be marginally more mature in emotional development. The are more likely to have boyfriends and to show their feelings.

Multi-impulsive Bulimia Nervosa is a severe variant of Bulimia Nervosa that begins in a similar way to Simple Bulimia and in a similar age group of girls. This group suffer with a range of abnormal behaviours all of which indicate problems of emotional and impulse control. Often some of these other behaviours are already causing difficulty before the Bulimia begins. In association with the eating disorder will be found a mix of other problems including drug abuse, alcohol abuse, deliberate self harm (usually cutting of forearms), stealing and promiscuity. They have a range of backgrounds but it is quite common to find that there is a high level of disturbance within the family. In personality they are likely to have shown evidence of poor impulse control from an early age and they often have rather poor records of schooling, academic achievement, or making friends that last. They have a difficulty in modifying their behaviour because of predictable consequences of their actions and as result helping them to change the pattern of their lives often requires prolonged help. The severity of the illness as with all types of bulimia is varied and in this group it seems to depend on severity of the underlying abnormality personality.

Support

I am realizing more and more how absolutely imperitive it is to have a support system while trying to deal with an eating disorder or any self-injurous behaviors. People with eating disorders are surrounded by those that don't care, don't want to get involved or frightened by what you are dealing with. How do I know this? I am surrounded by such people...not all, but most. I am blessed to have a few people in my life that truly express not only care and concern but encouragement to get better. I am so thankful for the few. But, most people leave me feeling very lonely and regretting I ever said anything in the first place.

Much of my silence comes from how I was treated after I cut myself in college. I was met with ignorance, ignoring, outright hostility and people that just avoided me and looked at me like I was a freak. One of the avoiders was actually the person I married. Much of his avoidence was due to the fact he felt responsible. In some ways, he was. I had a blow-out argument with him that resulted in the more horrific feeling of hopelessness I have ever experienced. In some ways, I have never gotten over that feeling.

I joined an online message board for people that are attempting to recovery from an Eating Disorder. While I am not big on replacing actual people for cyber friends, reading and "interacting" with others going through similar experiences on the road to trying to recover is very powerful. Instead of feeling hopeless, you get the small inkling of "I can do this! I can beat this! One day I will feel like myself again. I am not alone in this world." Again, it goes back to the need to be heard.

My husband continues to ignore and therefore invalidate. He's talking about buying a house. Dear God could anything be further from what I need at the moment? Is he really just that clueless or is this a desperate attempt to find and cling to something normal and domestic? I don't know. I really don't. Our two attempts at martial counseling have fallen by the wayside. As a small test, I didn't bring up the counseling (since I was the one that booked it anyway) to see if he would care enough to want to continue. It has now been 4 weeks since our last appointment and not a single word has been said. He doesn't ask about my personal counseling nor does he ask how I feel. He asks how my day is going but not how I am doing. He'll go out of his way to tell my how physically beautiful I am, but says nothing about how beautiful he finds me as a person. Maybe he feels that if he tells me I am attractive enough, that will somehow get me to stop trying to be thin. What he doesn't realize though is that what I do has so very, very little to do with wanting to be thin.

Am I wrong to want my husband to take an active and encouraging stance in my disorder of his own accord? Am I putting too much blame on him when I don't tell him what I want and need? The fundamental problem is that I don't know how to tell him what I want and need from him. I lose my voice. He is fully aware of my disorder but sits back and passively lets me deal with it. That is not support. That is a wall. I am living with someone that doesn't know how or doesn't want to help me. I feel like his cute, intelligent wife he can show off as long as I keep up the facade. Dear God, let's not acknowledge that she has a problem. If I acknowledge it, then it might actually be real.

The truth is, I don't know how to get better while remaining in the relationship. I don't know if I am capable. I have to start surrounding myself with people that are going to work with me to get through this. Not people that ignore and perpetuate the problem. As my therapist has been saying, "I need to shit or get off the pot." In other words, I need to start turning those people in my life loose and get back to the ones that really care. And not only care in thought, but act like that care and do things because they care.

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!

- Sir Walter Scott